@. This is my reason for putting my comments here besides it being my blog. I don't know wh@t this k@ thing me@ns, but I keep seeing it on other people's blogs. Each time I use it I wonder whether it means "at" or "for each" and then my mind races all over the place. I'm not up to scratch on this k@ thingy so please someone enlighten me, pleeeease.
ScotchBiscuits, you blow me away! You and that damn pastry just blow me away! Good luck with the exams.
Mr. B2B, we try. We try to put down the words as they come to us, one at a time.
Carsozy, on any other day I would feel too modest to accept but what the heck, I'll have some of that "artistical genius" stuff as well.
African gurl, here's some advice you don't get when you're stepping into the world. "Find the things that make it all worthwhile and point your compass there, all else will be okay."
Fiona, where have u been hiding? I need one of those long emails. I am on a hunt for kabozi. I guess I am in the process of evolution, it is a wondrous thing!
I have never imagined myself as a political pundit or some such thing. I don't buy newspapers and I would be hard pressed to tell you who my member of parliament is. However of late I have found myself wanting to know more. It occurs to me that I do not know my country, like many I have developed apathy towards it and as such my people. I have decided to embark on an investigation of this nation. I want to know things about you my people. I want to know your dreams, hopes and aspirations as a country. Where do you want to go? What do you want to achieve? What is our stand on local and global issues? Does our government have the people of this nation at heart? How patriotic are we? What are the things that divide us? How can we end poverty? I want to know what you think. But first let me tell you what I know and think about Uganda.
Our nation will turn 47 this October. Apart from the outstanding highlights, I have a vague knowledge of our history. I know that there are perhaps way more than 30 distinct ethnic groups in Uganda. This division along tribal lines has been exploited by those who have sought power over us and I can't help but feel that we need to get past this. I know that discrimination in all its forms has manifested itself in our society time and again. This has undermined our unity and led us down some dark roads. I think that over the years things have changed, with each new generation, old notions and customs have been laid aside as obsolete and irrelevant. However, these divisions persist, even among a single tribe; there are some who will not embrace the fundamental human rights of freedom and equality.
There is a love of peace among us. Perhaps it is because many of us still remember the dark days of turmoil and the tyranny of evil men. A greater part of this country has known peace for some time now. We would not see it change. We have however failed as a nation to bring peace to all. Our brothers and sisters have for years endured the ravages of a senseless war caused as far as I can tell by the ambitions of a madman and those who follow him, willingly and unwillingly. It is a stain on our nation and we should each feel the blood that has been shed on our hands.
There is something about this peace that we have. I think that many of us do not see it as something that we have a right to. We feel that it has been granted to us by a government that has the image of an all knowing father. The idea that things could change peacefully is so foreign to us that we live in fear. This fear perpetrated by some of our leaders and propagated by those among us who should know better, cripples us. It leads us to behave in ways that take us backwards instead of evolving as a nation.
We have developed apathy towards each other. I have been guilty of this for a long time and perhaps it is the fear but for my part I have been ignorant for a long time. I have not cared to know about things that have not involved me or affected me directly. Oblivious to the fact that everything is tied together, I have not cared about things I have perceived as beyond my sphere of influence. Many of us live like this; we believe that the best way for us to survive is to become as independent as possible. We forsake all forms of fellowship and abandon the true meaning of humanity. Empathy becomes something as alien to us as disease. It is considered weak to care, to give a damn, to feel. We have always been known for our sense of community, kindness and friendship. I can't help but feel that we are losing these values.
I could tell all that I think about the economy, politics, and other things but I cannot presume to bore you that much. At least not yet anyway, so here is my suggestion. If you can, find a topic that you feel passionate about, investigate it as much as you can and write something and send it to me at krays_ug@yahoo.co.uk. I am going to stroll around and see what I can find out, then I'll try and aggregate all that I have gathered and we shall have "the state of our nation", at least through our eyes. I actually think that this is perhaps something that should be done by someone with more credentials than I, but I am Ugandan and damn proud of it.
I am of this world,
Earth, Wind, Water and Fire
Of the beyond,
I have an intense desire
I am guilty of the sins of man
All shades of colour under the sun
Red blue and sometimes cyan
My fate is not beyond the clouds
Nor am I destined for hell's hounds
A flower of these gentle grounds
I must sway to life's sounds
I must climb the mountains
Sail the calm and the stormy seas
Walk through the dark forests
And dance on the flower filled leas
And when my dance is done
I must take my place in the mud
Forever under the sun
For I am of this world.
I used to believe that when you died, everything was wrapped up. There was nothing that came after. You just lived the best you could. How can I believe that now, now that you are gone from here? I cannot face life with this belief; it will not keep me going. There must be something more that transcends us all and of all that I have before me I choose love. I choose you. You make me believe!
One day in the midst of my phase of teenage rebellion, I got into an argument with my uncle. I told him that despite his statement to the fact, I did not think he understood how I felt because he had never known how it feels to lose a mother. Angered beyond reason he calmly told me
"Raymond let me tell you something, I owe you nothing, the world owes you nothing. I only do this because your mother was my sister and I loved her."
I have gone through life with those words seared in my memory. One of my uncle's long lasting lessons is that I should expect no kindness because I am not owed it. For a long time those words taught me that I should do all in my power to expect any sort of kindness. I should start the process by being kind and I guess that is what they will always mean to me. My uncle was not the kind of person to say something that mean. We parted ways at some point after that. I saw him many years later at my grandmother's funeral. He got up to give the eulogy and broke down halfway through. I was standing in the back shedding my own tears and I could not help but feel that now he knew how it felt. I have always wanted to have a chat with him. To say thank you for the lessons, sorry for the trouble and to ask him why he did not bother to sit me down and teach me about love and kindness.
Despite carrying that memory with me, I have come to know that I should expect something of life. As sentient beings each and every one of us knows and feels things. I have known and felt profound love and life has taken it from me. It owes me. It owes us as humanity because we feel each other's pain, even the pain of those that time has forgotten. It owes you and me peace and happiness and we are here to collect.
How does a religion that has a God that is forever at odds with the Devil teach the language of the peace makers? If one who is charged with making the peace should look up to God and find that even she or he has not yet made peace, what does one do? If we who are peacemakers are truly the children of God, then we are come to make peace with you and he who brings "The Light".
I heard a voice, a girl was singing.
She took the stage and sang her song.
It was a sad love song, a song for me.
I listened when the song was done, for the voice.
I heard the sound of silence.
I listened and heard the sound of life.
It sings a song, a song for love.
It bids me come home and find peace there.
Excerpts from President Obama's speech at Cairo University
I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles - principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.
On Violent Extremism
The Holy Quran teaches that whoever kills an innocent, it is as if he has killed all mankind; and whoever saves a person, it is as if he has saved all mankind. The enduring faith of over a billion people is so much bigger than the narrow hatred of a few. Islam is not part of the problem in combating violent extremism - it is an important part of promoting peace.
On Peace in the Middle East
For decades, there has been a stalemate: two peoples with legitimate aspirations, each with a painful history that makes compromise elusive. It is easy to point fingers - for Palestinians to point to the displacement brought by Israel's founding, and for Israelis to point to the constant hostility and attacks throughout its history from within its borders as well as beyond. But if we see this conflict only from one side or the other, then we will be blind to the truth: the only resolution is for the aspirations of both sides to be met through two states, where Israelis and Palestinians each live in peace and security.
Too many tears have flowed. Too much blood has been shed. All of us have a responsibility to work for the day when the mothers of Israelis and Palestinians can see their children grow up without fear; when the Holy Land of three great faiths is the place of peace that God intended it to be; when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isra, when Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed (peace be upon them) joined in prayer.
On Nuclear Weapons
I understand those who protest that some countries have weapons that others do not. No single nation should pick and choose which nations hold nuclear weapons. That is why I strongly reaffirmed America's commitment to seek a world in which no nations hold nuclear weapons. And any nation - including Iran - should have the right to access peaceful nuclear power if it complies with its responsibilities under the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. That commitment is at the core of the Treaty, and it must be kept for all who fully abide by it. And I am hopeful that all countries in the region can share in this goal.
On Democracy
I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.
That does not lessen my commitment, however, to governments that reflect the will of the people. Each nation gives life to this principle in its own way, grounded in the traditions of its own people. America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election.
But I do have an unyielding belief that all people yearn for certain things: the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose. Those are not just American ideas, they are human rights, and that is why we will support them everywhere.
This last point is important because there are some who advocate for democracy only when they are out of power; once in power, they are ruthless in suppressing the rights of others. No matter where it takes hold, government of the people and by the people sets a single standard for all who hold power: you must maintain your power through consent, not coercion; you must respect the rights of minorities, and participate with a spirit of tolerance and compromise; you must place the interests of your people and the legitimate workings of the political process above your party. Without these ingredients, elections alone do not make true democracy.
On Religious Freedom
People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, heart, and soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive, but it is being challenged in many different ways.
On Women's Rights
Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity, men and women, to reach their full potential. I do not believe that women must make the same choices as men in order to be equal. And I respect those women who choose to live their lives in traditional roles. But it should be their choice.
For You Who Are Afraid
I know there are many, Muslim and non-Muslim, who question whether we can forge this new beginning. Some are eager to stoke the flames of division and to stand in the way of progress. Some suggest that it isn't worth the effort, that we are fated to disagree and civilizations are doomed to clash.
Many more are simply sceptical that real change can occur. There is so much fear, so much mistrust that has built up over the years. But if we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward. And I want to particularly say this to young people of every faith in every country. You more than anyone have the ability to reimagine the world, to remake this world.
All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart or whether we commit ourselves to an effort, a sustained effort to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children and to respect the dignity of all human beings.
It's easier to start wars than to end them. It's easier to blame others than to look inward. It's easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. There is one rule that lies at the heart of every religion, that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us.
This truth transcends nations and peoples, a belief that isn't new, that isn't black or white or brown, that isn't Christian or Muslim or Jew. It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization and that still beats in the hearts of billions around the world. It's a faith in other people. And it's what brought me here today.
We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written. The Holy Quran tells us, Mankind, we have created you male and a female. And we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another.
The Talmud tells us, the whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace.
The Holy Bible tells us, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now that must be our work here on Earth.
Thank you. And may God's peace be upon you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Sometime last year I was telling you about some things I have learnt so far. You know, those things that you must discern yourself as you trudge through this merciless yet amazing thing called life.
14. Words are the filler and glue of life
The precepts of Buddhism are called "The Four Noble Truths" and the first of these is that "Life is suffering". Life like anything else in it is apt to fall apart; it disintegrates and is in constant need of repair. Just like that nice shine on your car, that closet door or that favourite pair of heels, it breaks apart and some pieces fall off, gaps are left and somehow we must find the tools to fix it. Words, both said and unsaid, they are the things that keep our lives together. Use the damn things.
15. There is something that comes after
Woody Allen once said "The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one knows where it's being held."
I have that fear but not because I like to shave (I do hope though that when I check out, I've bothered to do some pruning, no one likes an overgrown bush.), the fear is primarily because there are those who have gone before that I must meet again. Also there is the fact that I need everything to level out. The one I was brought up to believe in has too many loopholes for the wicked and also sounds eternally boring. I prefer instead to think of it as the next great adventure, an unknown that will be revealed only after the curtains go down on this one. I have long held the belief that it does not matter where you're going after but what you do here and that I still hold true. In the words of Robert G. Ingersoll,
"Is there a God?
I do not know
Is man immortal?
I do not know
One thing I do know, and that is, that neither hope, nor fear, belief, nor denial, can change the fact. It is as it is, and it will be as it must be.
We wait and hope."
16. To be the best
This is a philosophy that I am yet to fully develop, this is what I have so far and I welcome any form of debate.
Each and every one of us has a sacred duty to be the best person that we can be. Some of us because we perceive that life has been more unfair to us than others, walk down paths that lead to harm and destruction, of ourselves and others. Some of us because we do not perceive our unique individuality choose to merely exist rather than live. And then there are those of us who think that this individuality means that we must be independent rather than interdependent.
You are all unique and that is something that you must never forget, that no matter what anyone else brings to the table, you bring a blend like no other. Upon realising this fact you must be ready to accept each other's uniqueness and perhaps even celebrate it but you must also realise that there is a common humanity that binds all of us. Then you must look inside and find the answers to these questions.
If you can find these answers, then choose a path and walk it, even if it be less travelled, straight, narrow, crooked, wide or otherwise. Choose your path and become a better you, one who is purer of thought and heart than before.
17. Listen to the voices (not the ones in your head)
I know a number of people who don't enjoy a good book. It's still a mystery to me but we are different like that. I believe that there are lessons to be learned from those who have long since moved on and those of us that are still here. I yearn for knowledge and I cannot imagine greater teachers than the countless dead and living alike, my fellow human beings, so I listen to what they say. I listen and then decide whether to take their lessons to heart or give my own merits for thinking otherwise. One of us once said "There is no good in war except its ending", I believe him but clearly some of us don't. When I think about those that have an aversion to the written word, I wonder how they find the knowledge that we all seek. I remember reading Ingersoll's "Why I Am an Agnostic" back when I was disentangling myself from the clasping folds of religion and thinking that here was a kindred spirit. Perhaps it was just an affirmation of what I had to come to believe but it was good to know that someone had once asked the same questions of themselves and it was also good to know what they thought. Okay, I'm rambling but "listen to the voices".
"At this point in my life, I'd like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was inside, as if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
See when I've touched the sky, the earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you all the sweetness that I have
Oh, At this point in my life
At this point in my life"
------------------------------------Tracy Chapman
It is late evening and I am seated at the Coffee Korner in PP rediscovering my ability to eat and drink. I am just recovering from my bout of that damn fever and I am pondering the workings of the universe. I belong out here; I know it and I feel it so strongly that I am puzzled as to why events have conspired to send me back to the beginning. It's as if I am merely a piece in a cosmic game of snakes and ladders. Most people get to a point in life when they try to figure out what it all means; they want their lives to make sense and it's not uncommon for someone to come to the conclusion that it's all meaningless. Life seems so random that the idea that there's a grand design to it is a bitter pill to swallow. I have had my moments of despair when nothing has made sense to me and I have come to the conclusion that it's all about the moments. This belief has served me well for a long while but it cannot any longer. There must be something more.
It is late evening and I am seated in the waiting room of Kampala Coach in Nairobi, my bus ride is still hours away and it has been one hell of a journey to get to this point. I am still disappointed that I'm back on this continent but here I am. I decide to pen a few thoughts to while away the time and put something in my tummy as well. I meet Rama whose mother runs the restaurant and I prompt him for his story and then something is revealed to me. I have been feeling it for a while now, a sense that something is happening to me that I do not yet understand. I have come the 360 degrees and suddenly there it is in front of me. I have come to a realisation that I am merely an instrument of the universe, that it moves me and points the way to the places I must go. Certain things begin to make sense now and I see the path that lies before me, I am here for a reason and if it is all to be worth it there are things that I must do.
At this point in my life, I believe that the universe moves me. That my life is no longer simply my own and that there is a grand design to this thing we call life. Perhaps my mind has gone vacationing on the other side but I simply believe that I have been called on to do the best I can. We, my dear friends, you and I are going to do something that will change one life for the better and will hopefully be the beginning of something bigger than ourselves. I will be in touch.
I have a friend who doesn't listen to the lyrics of songs; she simply loves the rhythm and melody. I guess I can understand that, I like Henri Dikongue's music and I don't have a clue what he's talking about but he can pick that damn guitar. However for the most part the words are what matters most to me. The rhythm and melody hook me and then the words reel me in until I am awash with raw emotion and energy. I feel the words as if I was reading poetry and the emotions just seep through the artist's voice. Sometimes I identify with a song to such an extent that it becomes intricately woven into the fabric of my life, it's as if the words were written for me and those moments in my life. Sometimes the words simply say you're not alone, other times they allay my fears and give me hope and every so often they inspire me and point the way. These songs obviously become all time favourites.
I was stuck in airport terminal thousands of miles away just the other day and so with all the time in the world I scoured the internet for something to while away the time. Facebook excels in this respect and I'm sure many companies have experienced a decline in employee productivity due to this marvellous application. Anyway I found an application on FB that allows you to make all sorts of top 5, worst 5 and probably even mediocre 5 lists that you can then share with your friends and get them to waste 30 minutes or so of company time. But what the hell, all work and no play eh? So I made top 5 lists of all sorts of things and when I did one on favourite songs I found that I had so many songs I liked that I decided I would hazard a top 20 list on this here blog and get some of you to do the same (and nick another 30 mins). Let me see how far I can go down this rabbit hole:
This has been the theme song of my life for a long time. There is a certain melancholy to it that I somehow always identify with and I have a thing for sad songs. I have been in the arms of the angel and found comfort there. I first came across it while watching "City of Angels" and the moment I heard it, I knew I had to find this song. I waited for the credits until I got the title and artist and I have since been a Sarah McLachlan fan. In fact the movie soundtrack was the first CD I ever bought.
This is the most romantic song I have ever listened to. Sometimes I prefer the one with the voiceovers from the movie "Jerry Maguire" and other times the original is just as intoxicating. It brings back memories of a more innocent time when I believed that if two people loved each other, then nothing else mattered. It was a time when I watched romantic movies featuring the likes of Drew Barrymore and I felt all mushy and warm inside. It reminds me of conversations I had with Carol back in A' level, of writing down the lyrics and having her giggle and say "Secret Garden" in a naughty way.
I can't recall when I first heard this beautiful song but I fell in love with it. I remember being told it was a gospel song and that being atheist it should be out of my sphere. "It is a love song" I said "And I am very much a believer". It reminds of Jackie O back in A' level and of our conversations about the Christian God, of her writing down the words for me and her hope that I would one day see the light. Ah you cute girl, I hope he still moves you.
I heard this song only last year and it captured all my feelings for you. I wish I had told you all these things sooner, held back by the fear of rejection I could only have you listen to it. I felt these things for years but I could not say them, I was scared of one thing only. That one day you would feel different and leave me and I would lose the will to go on. Ironic that you're now gone and I struggle for the will to continue. But I know that you felt the same things.
This woman has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. This song will forever be with me. These are the words of the songstress, these are my words.
"You're beautiful, so silently it lies beneath the shade of blue, it struck me so violently when I looked at you.
But others pass, they never pause to feel that magic in your hand, to me you're like a wild rose they'll never understand.
I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
I'll cross the seas for a different world with your treasure a secret for me to hold
In many years they may forget this love of ours or that we met, they may not know how much you meant to me.
I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
Without you now I see how fragile the world can be
And I know you've gone away but in my heart you'll always stay
I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
That beauty need only be a whisper"
The sky cried for you, I crossed the seas for a different world and now I drift but I am hopeful.
I am a Celine Dion fan. I am not afraid to say so. I remember being gutted when I found out that she didn't write most of her songs, I had put her on a pedestal so high that I needed a ladder to reach up there and bring her down a notch or two. Nevertheless she still moves me. This one reminds me of Geri; it reminds me of those days in G.P. when we would sit and chat about anything, about our shared love of the music and my infatuation with R. It all began there; my love for you, that was the point I began to fall into you. In the end, I could not be all that you wanted and your rejection forced me to reinvent my life but that was the path I was meant to tread for it is the one that led me to her and brings me to this point. You will always be one of the most beautiful people I have ever known, I hope you have all the happiness you've ever wanted, because no one deserves it more than you. Oh, and thank you for making the music very special.
Another gospel entry and another beautiful song, Bebo Norman is nothing short of amazing. You can feel all his emotions when he sings. Every time I listen to him I am reminded of Diana T, of those conversations we had all the way up on P floor. I remember the discussions about God and the meaning of life, going for Cell and to KPC for the experience. Your earnest attempts to get me to see the light and you accepting me just the way I was. I remember meeting Dimples and being amazed by the purity of spirit and that sparkle. I could pick any Bebo Norman song and it would bring those memories, this one however resonates with my life.
"And for the love, for the love God,
Oh I've gathered up my pride, I've gathered up my bits and bones
And in a world that broke me down, oh I'm standing up, oh but not alone
'Cause this is a healing song and I've got a heart that fails
But love is pushing me along; I'm lifting up above this veil
This is a healing song, oh and I don't know if you can tell
But love is pushing me along; I'm pressing up against the rail, pressing up against the rail"
Fiona thinks Dido should be given the equivalent of a knighthood for her music, I couldn't agree more. You can never be the same after listening to her music, she tells you stories about all manner of things and when she's done something about you is changed. Dido introduced me to the internet. I was watching TV one night when I managed to catch an episode of Roswell and what captured me most was the theme song. I did the credits thing and then mounted a search for a CD, after an unsuccessful tour of the music shop (if I recall properly we only had that one on K'la Rd.) I discovered I could download it from the internet. Enter all sorts of new words like IE, P2P, CDRW, etc. Back then a blank CD cost about 20,000/= and I had no idea that one needed a CD writer to be able to burn CDs. I was fascinated with this world of computers and the internet that I ended up working in the "IT" field for years to come despite studying different stuff at campus. I have engaged in and will still engage in my fair share of copyright infringement. My apologies to all those artists, if I ever become filthy rich, I'll send you a couple of bucks until then LimeWire will do.
This was the theme song of my first crush ever. I was in P.7 and one day I just looked at this girl and I fell. I spent a good number of weeks day dreaming but I could not say a word. Back then such things were a no-no; in fact I remember receiving a good number of lashes for passing on a note some guy had written to some girl. Granted the contents of the note were along the lines of "girl I wanna make you sweat, sweat till you can't sweat no more..." but I was merely a link in the delivery chain. The girl on receiving this note screamed and ran to the teachers who promptly decided that anyone who had touched this note was complicit in this 'crime'. I pleaded my innocence vociferously stating the fact that I did not possess X-Ray vision and could therefore not have known what the note contained but inevitably I had to succumb and receive my share. Damn you Mr. Mpagi! Anyway my crush lasted a whole term before I let it go but I will always remember.
Okay, who does not like this song or Tracy Chapman for that matter? This one, along with other classics by Abba and Whitney Houston, reminds me of my mother. She loved this music, I recall spending weekends listening to these songs and having a blast. This is one song that I would really love to be able to play on the guitar. It is simply timeless.
I remember telling a friend of mine once that if I had any religious inclination, this song would inspire me endlessly. Rap music is normally associated with violent, shallow and sexually explicit content and with good reason. I mean, what the hell do you do with a song like "I get money" by 50Cent? It was the worst song I heard in 2007. However this particular time, DMX dug deep, sifted through his life and soul and came up with something to inspire. To this day, I am moved by the passion with which he delivers these words.
Yes, here she is again, wowing me to the moon. She asks, "If ever the river could whisper your name, would the choices you make still be the same?" This one will forever remind me of Sheila back in my S.4 Vac. It is nice to be young and in love.
For all those who have been and will forever be my mothers.
"I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul" There's a line that I will never forget. Thank you Jacque for telling me that "Beyond every mountain climbed, there's another waiting to be conquered" I hope I never lose the desire to conquer these mountains.
The first song I ever heard on CD. It was back in school and we had gone to a certain girl's school for a function. I remember the clarity of the sound, beautiful stuff. I love Toni's husky voice and the song reminds me of my cousin Jimmy who was my best friend back when I used to stay with a certain uncle of mine. Those were the days of discovery, of awakening to an inner spirit and beginning a journey of self discovery that has led me to this point.
I used to be hip in my younger days; I was on top of most things hip especially the music. I had a knack for listening to rap songs and getting the lyrics. I remember my classmates asking me to write down the lyrics to songs like 'C u when u get there' by Coolio. I was cool! However my foray into rap music all started with that album 'Doggystyle' by Snoop and this was my favourite song. I can still rap it from start to finish.
No one sings a sad ballad like this lady. The first time I ever heard her, I was sampling my aunt's music collection. I put her Tigerlily album into the CD player and pressed play, in 5 seconds I was hooked for life. She simply begins "San Andreas Fault" humming and its beautiful stuff. River is dedicated to River Phoenix, a promising Hollywood actor who died of a drug overdose in the early 90s. It is a moving song.
Another entry off the "City of Angels" soundtrack, however this one reminds of the Rick Dees show that was my rock music source for a long time.
Another timeless song that reminds me of Don Williams who vaguely reminds me of my father, I also recall that you loved this song.
Because it tells me you're okay and I should just dance.
There are tons of songs that I feel should be on this list, like Anything Can Happen, Nantongo, Like a Woman, Don't Speak, My Favourite Mistake, 3 Little Birds, etc. I'll stick with this one for now and if I were to change anything it would probably be among the last 6 songs.
Phnom Penh (PP) is hot, humid, and dirty and most of it smells. That's the first thing you notice about it. You get used to the smell after a while; it becomes a minor irritation at the back of your mind that only pops up once in a while when you're in the poorer parts of the city. I think it arises from the fact that the drainage system is almost nonexistent, apparently when the government put out a tender for a company to do the drainage system, the prospective companies engaged in a bidding war and the winner realised that it was going to be impossible to do a proper job for the amount they had quoted. Their solution was to dig a bunch of holes several feet deep where the water would collect. As a result most streets flood every time it rains and you have to wade through ankle high water and sometimes worse. The heat and humidity can't be helped; it's a climate thing, light clothing is key, it's actually quite common to see the Cambodian boys and men topless in the afternoons playing with water hoses (the boys of course), I wish I could partake. I was anxious to sample the food and my first meal of the staple noodles and beef disappointed me. I was dripping in the sweltering heat by this point and proceeded to ask for a glass of the coldest water, the waitress brought me a glassful of ice and a jug of hot water! I could not express my disbelief due to the language barrier but considering the state of the establishment it was the best they could do. I poured the water over the ice and waited for it to cool. I had a couple of delicious meals later on from more respectable establishments the best of which was 
Mi Char, the classic noodles with beef which was lovely. The food is cheap though, the Mi Char set me back $1.95 and this was at one of the nicer places that even had air conditioning and free Wi-Fi. Dollars are actually the currency of choice because the Riel is {insert fancy economic term here; I can't be bothered to think it up now}. The 'Russian Market' which is 10 meters from where I was staying is a one stop point for everything, and it's bloody cheap. Having been on a shoestring budget, my plan was to have all my meals there and purchase anything I needed there. I figured I could spend at most $3 on food per day and I would be covered for a good 4 months. Other wares range from the latest Hollywood blockbusters to Buddha statuettes. The clothes are all designer because all the damn factories are here so a pair of GAP jeans costs about $10 and a pair of good sandals will set you back $5. Next time I come, I will pack two pairs of jeans and one of shoes and buy everything else here.
The first Sunday I was here I went exploring with two of my classmates; Niall Crotty and Ray Frost. We went up to the Boeng Kak lakeside in the northern part of PP and gradually made our way to the Tonle Sap riverside in the east to celebrate Amy's (classmate) birthday at the Foreign Correspondents Centre (FCC). It was my third day in PP and I got the chance to me see and meet the people. Cambodians are a lovely people, warm with smiling faces and very patient. They will do their best to try and understand you and it's up to you to try and get your message across. They were constantly amused by me, I guess because I'm a big black chap and I smile a lot. There is an alarming level of poverty, there are many beggars on the street and many of them are young kids who should by all rights be in school. It's hard to come to terms with it because if you are the kind of person who can't say 'no' then you'll give all you have away until there is nothing left. I was constantly plagued by this feeling. Then there are survivors of the Khmer Rouge regime, many of them disfigured or without limbs, how do you say no to them? On our way to the FCC, we met Peter, a 'Tuk Tuk' driver who told us how he was once rich and prosperous until the KR came. He lost friends and family and now tries to support those he has left by driving a 'Tuk Tuk' which was donated to him by a tourist couple from Denmark or Netherlands.
The story of the Khmer Rouge is one of mankind at his worst and I cannot delve into it here, but a quick Google search should give you an idea. The whole mess can be blamed on America and the French. Out of nothing else but sheer greed, these western powers looked to have an influence in this part of the world, the reason, chaps were finding oil all over the place so hey, why not grab a chunk of land here or there. It was obviously not as simple as that but suffice it to say that the wars in S.E. Asia which eventually led to the rise of the Khmer Rouge would not have ocurred but for the presence of the the French and the Americans and why were they there in the first place? "Because of vast Dutch oil discoveries in nearby Indonesia, first the French, then the Americans, wanted to explore the broad Vietnamese continental shelf." Of course in retrospect most monumental events can be linked by a chain of events to one cause and I bet if you went further you would come to the conclusion that we shouldn't exist at all because we as human beings are capable of the most atrocious acts. We delight in destroying and subjugating each other and there is no other animal on earth that behaves like we do. Anyway, my favourite humour site (cracked.com) lays most of last century's wars if not all at the feet of that Austrian dude whose bumping off sparked WW1, apparently with utter disregard for his life he just had to visit his buddies in the hospital right after a failed attempt on his life, his hapless driver got so lost that they ended up passing by a cafe where the main guy who had planned the assasination was having a consolation sandwich, he just couldn't believe his luck.
When the KR came to power, it set about enforcing its ideologies on the nation. The intellectuals and anyone who so much as showed an inclination towards acquiring knowledge were quickly done away with along with anyone who had ties to the former government. Urban dwellers were accused of "economic sabotage" due to their lack of agricultural ability. All ties to the outside world were cut off as the KR decided that Cambodia would become a self sufficient nation of peasant farmers. The year 1975 was declared year zero.
It is hard to believe that to this day most of the perpetrators of these crimes have not been brought to justice, in fact as a testament to the ability of these people to forgive, some live among them as if nothing had ever happened. They are kind, warm, gentle and forgiving but they can only take so much. The current government is utterly corrupt down to the very last police dog. The people are unhappy and one of these days they will realise where the power truly lies. Incidentally Cambodia is on some sort of international list of countries that could experience a revolution soon. I pray that it is peaceful, but yes the people will rise. I have come to hate the city because of some damned disease but I love these people. Rise up!
So, I have had to cut my extended world trip short after just one month because I was afflicted by some damn disease called dengue fever and it rendered all my plans futile for now. In truth I really did not have a well laid out plan, I'm not the kind of person who does that. I don't have plan B's for most of the stuff I take on, and this one was really spur of the moment because it dawned on me that I should have been doing this shit already and I did not have any more time to waste. That coupled with the fact that I had to get away for a while made me come out here. The plan was simple:
The overarching goal of this was to simply work my way through my bucket list. The hope was and still is that; I will return wiser, I will change someone's life for the better, I will write some stuff to inspire others and generations that come after, I will save a life, make this brief existence meaningful and dedicate it to one who has gone before. Anyway, the dengue ensured that I couldn't complete the course and that I also run out of money in a blink. Now that I think about it if it had all gone according to plan, I would have probably caught something else in the rural areas because I didn't get any of the relevant vaccinations and the list of the ones I need doesn't fool around. If I got one of those, I wouldn't even have the time to pen off a quick goodbye. Briefly; there's Hep A, B and C, some Japanese Encephala-something* and a few others guaranteed to literally kick the living shit out of you. At least now I know, I do not possess Wolverine's healing factor.
The good thing is that I still have a place on the course and I can do it in either August or Jan as long as I get my ass back here. Hence I'm coming home to probably do some boring stuff and hopefully gather enough green to strike out again in Jan. Um...hopefully I will have a plan B this time round but I doubt it, some habits persist.
I am still upbeat; I have now set foot on two continents and visited one house of worship. It was Wednesday afternoon that I decided to go to the post office and send some post cards and it so happens that it is near Wat Phnom from which the city gets its name. I knew it was going to be an emotional day because I wanted to find a local who spoke a modicum of English and have a conversation. 
Instead I found myself sitting before an array of Buddha statues and statuettes, lighting a couple of incense sticks and having a one way conversation with one who has gone before, a prayer if you will. There is something wrong with me these days; I find that I am easily overwhelmed by emotion and so I find that thinking about certain things opens the floodgates. I was reading jiny23's blog post about his friend's loss and when I went to comment on it I let loose about a litre. My machismo is down to zero for now. Anyway, I had a long conversation in that temple; I prayed for peace for those who have gone before and those of us who follow, I asked for guidance in my endeavours, for a light to show the way back and for the strength to overcome the myriad of obstacles. All the time I could not stop shedding tears and I hoped that the sweating disguised them from my fellow pilgrims. All in all, I said my bit and I left. 
There is a tree with the loveliest red flowers here, I don't know if I have seen it elsewhere but its beauty strikes me every time I see it. I said my goodbyes to the city, promised to return and left a few hours later. I have now been stuck in the Bangkok airport for 2 days and I feel a fever coming on. Which reminds me, the song "Fever" is forever spoilt for me because if someone gave me that fever, moreover in the morning, day and night, there would be murder!
You said I was Superman, you said I was extraordinary, that I could do anything. You said it would be okay, that we would be fine, you did not know but you made me believe. I held your hand, I wanted to give you my life, I knelt down and for the first time in 14 years I said a prayer. I have embraced my purpose, my one reason for going on but it hurts, all the time. I cry, I am the last son of a dead planet but I bleed. I bleed.
I've been in this city two weeks now and it feels like a lifetime. I don't consider myself the kind of person who falls homesick so my longing for the cooler climes of home is based on a few things. I picked up Dengue fever a few days after I arrived or on arrival, apparently it has an incubation period of about 2 weeks so I might not have had that at all but I had all the bloody symptoms and that's what matters. Phnom Penh is hot and humid; I was shocked the first morning I woke up here; I took three steps and thought I was dissolving, beads of sweat formed instantly everywhere (and I mean everywhere) and quickly coalesced into rivulets. The temperature pretty much stays the same the whole day so imagine my shock when I woke up at 3:00 am on Wednesday morning and I was freezing! I thought I was going nuts and then the headache set in and finally the body ache (from which we get the name break bone fever). Having had my first thirty minute lesson the evening before, I was looking forward to the feedback session with the trainers but after two hours of attempting to "wriggle my big toe" I jumped on a 'tuk tuk' and headed to the clinic. A few forms later; some prods and probes, a bit of hide and seek because the kind nurse had showed me to a bed while I waited for the doctor and I got to see Dr. Velez. He was a nice enough doctor, took all my information and then proceeded to tell me that I might have dengue but that could not be confirmed until I had had the fever for a few more days. At first I thought this was hospital humour, the nice doctor's attempt at a lighter bedside manner and then I slowly realized he wasn't joking. So I asked him for the other symptoms of this fever and what treatment there was. Without flinching he runs through a top ten list of things you don't want happening to you in a strange land; nausea, vomiting, severe headaches, fever, diarrhoea, intense body ache and others. Then he prescribed me pain killers and said I should take as much fluids as I could and stay in cool places. I wanted to tell him "Dude, this is the hottest city I've ever been to; I have class from 9 to 4 and teaching practice from 6 to 8 and all in very hot rooms". After getting my bill, I really wanted to throttle someone, one visit to the doctor and I was in danger of becoming destitute in a strange land, and I had to come back in 5 days!
I managed to make it to class on Thursday and discovered that I could not afford to miss one more day or I wouldn't be able to get a certificate on completion which would make the entire course moot. I had my second teaching session that evening and it was fine. I seem to have had a handle on the sweating thing but I think that was mostly the fever. Friday morning and shit hit the fan, the pain killers seemed as effective as a fly swat against Godzilla and I felt like I had been trudging across the continent but I had to make it to class! My first weekly feedback session and my trainer Emily thinks that I'm a natural! Can you believe that? Me? A natural? I think back on all the teachers that I've had and I get the image of Mr. Okello, my primary four science teacher who used to prefix my name with an O. After pointing out areas for me to improve upon, Emily lets me go get some rest. It is sad to say that was the last day I stepped in class. The idea was to recuperate over the weekend and return to class on Monday brimming with energy. Friday was the beginning of something else; "halluciNation" is what I will call it. It all started innocently enough, someone whispering my name and giving me information about the 
Cambodian Secret Police and then somehow finding myself a member of it. Before I know it, there's a North Korea nuke on its way to wipe out Phnom Penh and I must do something. Then I find out that the nuke was a ruse by some ancient sect of power hungry beings, their plan is to empty the city and search for an ancient artifact that would grant them absolute power. I am the last of the guardians. I must not fail. 
Anyway the weekend is full of such and the complete host of symptoms for Dengue fever. The headaches are so intense that I find myself doing the most intricate yoga positions involuntarily. At this point I haven't eaten in days, I have nothing resembling an appetite and I can't even keep water down, though I have been jumping off the Angkor Wat temples with Lara Croft. I called the doctor on Saturday to ask him for the dengue treatment since I was pretty sure I had it and I learn that the damn disease has no cure. The best I can do is treat the symptoms until the fever breaks and I'm in the clear. This news shocks and leaves me in dismay, if I'm not better by Monday then I can't go to class.....ergo. At this point I hate the smell of the city and its food, both smells seem to pervade everything here and I'm at the point of throwing up my guts. If it wasn't for the fact that I promised someone I would return, I would let this damn disease claim me. The poetic symmetry of it would be interesting at least. I understand too that the idea of going through this pain every week for the rest of your life is unpalatable and I have an idea now why you wouldn't fight any longer. I think I finally make my peace with it, strange that I had to come out here to do it and I think I know why.
Monday and the dream of going to class is no more, I cannot bend the spoon Neo, whether it's there or not. I go to another clinic, one that will not leave me trawling the streets of PP after a visit. The good doctor Sheppard takes the usual history and is concerned that I might have picked up malaria from elsewhere because of the dengue incubation period. I assure him that unless there was a stash of mosquitoes on those big aluminium birds we call aeroplanes then I have had no contact with malaria. After reaffirming that there is indeed no treatment but to tackle the symptoms, he tells me I should be in the recovery phase. He prescribes some anti nausea medicine; some oral rehydration salts (when did they start making them sweet?), some painkillers and the best piece of advice that I should have someone administer an IV from home as it would be bloody expensive to do at the clinic. He also takes a couple of vials of blood to look for different things.
My classmates and instructors are an amazing bunch and only a separate blog post will be fair to them but Amy and Lisa with whom I stay (same hostel) have been amazing. Amy has tried her best to pump me with all sorts of food and drink. Lisa willingly gave up her room with a/c so that I could recuperate and I think that did the trick. Anyway two IVs later and I can finally keep food down again, in a few more days I should be able to head on back home and plan another campaign out here. I will return you damn city, even if I have to put on a hazmat suit all the time. I will teach someone here and learn something as well.
In case you're wondering how the affair with the ancient beings and the last of the guardians ends, I will ruminate a while and see if anything comes to mind.
