Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Take my hand

My serotonin levels are low, which is just a fancy medical way of saying I'm unhappy. What makes me more unhappy is the fact that I'm trying to tell myself that I don't know why but I know that deep down I do.

I'm in a relationship and as all these things go, there has to be a fair amount of giving, receiving and sharing. I honestly don't mind the first two especially when I'm being given and I'm receiving but then the time comes to divulge things about yourself.....and that's where everything gets scary for me. I can honestly say that I've been pretty much emotionally independent since I was about 14 or thereabouts. So there are things about myself that I don't tell other people easily, some people know some of these things but they know well enough to never attempt to clarify this info with me. Basically I don't open up easily. This ofcourse is a problem when you're seeing someone, and frankly I don't know how to deal with it bse I know that subconciously I will attempt to avoid the whole thing; but I want to go beyond this time.

The real reason I'm in distress (I think) is because I need some sort of spiritual nourishment (for want of a better word). Of course it doesn't mean I want to sprint to church screaming hallelujah, it simply means that I need to experience the better side of humanity; like a genuine act of kindness, the piety and innocence of the child or the amazing bonds of a brotherhood.

So I wait, in this darkness, tired of my own voice answering my questions. I pray that when you give me your hand, I will not push it away.