25+: Stretching

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Stretching

So you've decided it's time to go to war against that beer belly, those chips and chicken thighs or that pizza (read peet-sa) @$$ that keeps sending you to the 'boutique' for another pair of jeans. I know he says he likes you with some meat, that he wants stuff to hold onto when the riding gets a bit vigorous, that your wobbly bits are just so cute, but please, why do you think he keeps staring at that chick at Chillies?


Do I look fat, sweetie?

No, honeypie, but...

And you guy, why do you think she keeps avoiding those cuddly moments when you're in the mood, watching videos of Tyrese and exclaiming, 'banange wow!', hanging out at the rugby club when you're watching soccer with the boys and hinting that you should revive your eons long defunct rugby career, huh? Why do you think?

This is not a sport! It's called entertainment, people are laughing, at you...

Me, I don't know why, but if it has occurred to you that you ought to do some roadwork, get the old engine racing again, perhaps jog to Taste Budz for a 'Meat Eaters Deluxe', then you're going to need some help getting started, right?

Enter a million fitness gurus and gym instructors who have no doubt failed at all else in life and would rather spend the active chunks of their days telling others to do 'one more rep' or move 'leeeeft, right, left right, left right, left right, and back and front, turn around...'

"Those who can do; those who can't teach; those who can't teach teach gym; those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others."

Anyway, your motivations aside, the first thing you'll be told to do is to stretch your muscles, loosen your limbs, warm up, get the blood flowing, 'woo hoo!, yeah!'

This is allegedly meant to help keep your muscles from getting sore as well as reduce the risk of injury but according to research conducted by this guy, these guys and this guy there's no point.

"Stretching before or after exercising does not confer protection from muscle soreness. Stretching before exercising does not seem to confer a practically useful reduction in the risk of injury, but the generality of this finding needs testing. Insufficient research has been done with which to determine the effects of stretching on sporting performance."

Which begs the question, why? Why do people stretch when they're about to embark on a 'seemingly' major feat of physical exertion?

Aaah!

I've come to the conclusion that it's all about steez, you know, showing off. Have you ever been involved in a near-fight? The kind that's thankfully stopped by that one friend of yours who's not as high on testosterone or the things you've been imbibing. There's always the guy who's screaming to be let go and he shows the other guy what's up. He prances here and there, arms flailing, trying to break through the protective cordon around him and run to his death. That's the equivalent of stretching before exercising.

Chill me! Chill me and I show him! Raargh!

Meanwhile this is the guy he wants to 'show what's up'.

*deep breaths*

So, back to the stretching. That means all that stuff professional and especially amateur sportsmen and most especially 'fitness freaks' do is for show and if there wasn't an audience, well, then they'd probably just get on with it, like you do on that early morning jog by your lonesome, or that stroll down to the bakery or take-away.