Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Breaking down and cleaning up....

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

There is something wrong with me. While I hold an almost fanatical degree of optimism for everyone and everything else, when it comes to me, I don't have much hope. I have developed a mentality that somehow sets me apart from everything I do. I believe that nothing physical can or should be able to negatively influence what I consider to be my "self". I have tried to rise above the material, to transcend my base human nature but I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere. I will keep trying though.

One of the things about wanting to die is that you don't care about your body that much, actually, you pretty much don't care about anything. I wanted to quit smoking and reduce my alcohol intake early last year and then I didn't care about it anymore so I have been mistreating my body. Every time I saw someone living on the streets, I marveled at how their bodies were still able to survive that much exposure to the elements, while someone in "perfect health" could waste away in a matter of days. Perhaps for a while now, I have been trying to do myself in, but I think I am done with that feeling. I want to live on, at least for a little while longer.

I have somehow turned into more of a recluse than otherwise. I am tired of pity, misunderstanding and being taken for granted. I have never been one to withhold myself from anyone if I can help it but what happens when those you trust will come to your aid in times of need fail to do so? What do you do with that bitterness or the realisation that the fault is much more yours than theirs?

Some guy out there came up with the idea that there are 5 stages of grief, I would beg to disagree, I don't think there's a formula for this crap. I can say that I've been to number 5 and then some other strange numbers but I am still not at peace. I am still puzzled as to why with so many people in the world, someone can still feel completely alone.

My body is broken and I must fix it. It is a simple, ordinary and mundane thing but for me it is something more. It is the beginning of an attempt to rediscover the desire to be among the living. I want to be one of you, for better, only for better, I hope it is worth it.

12 comments:

Ashy said...

It is worth it, totally.

Mudamuli said...

Someone told me recently that I am scared of everything including my shadow so I will try not to be scared by this post. I dare say it is worth it.

TRP said...

:)
Some know how much of a pest i can be...Would you like me to volunteer my services to you?
Check up on you everyday?

Rhino said...

@therisingpage; I'm taking you up on that one...

@mudamuli; there is nothing to fear, except "feeling nothing"

@ashy; I shall believe

gikobwa said...

funny; going through the same dilemma. Well if you find out its worth it, let me know cos I honestly dont know.

sam said...

(((rhino)))

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of thet book," A million little pieces" although i pray to God your clean up isn't as horrific. Life goes on, you'll be alright, hopefully happy too! peace...kz

xiona said...

Am with TRP...

L.A. said...

it get better...

The 27th Comrade said...

Hmm. Doesn't look very clear to some here that this dude is an atheist.
Then again, I'd like to invite you, Rhino, to watch my blog (starting with the latest post) and see how you can spar with me. The posts I promised you once are now on the roll. :o)

Brenda said...

Aww Rhino. I read this earlier and had nothing to write. I was hoping that I would be able to say something If I read it again, but I still don't. Aww Rhino. And this is NOT pity, just understanding.

xx

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