#14 and so on...

Sometime last year I was telling you about some things I have learnt so far. You know, those things that you must discern yourself as you trudge through this merciless yet amazing thing called life.

14. Words are the filler and glue of life

The precepts of Buddhism are called "The Four Noble Truths" and the first of these is that "Life is suffering". Life like anything else in it is apt to fall apart; it disintegrates and is in constant need of repair. Just like that nice shine on your car, that closet door or that favourite pair of heels, it breaks apart and some pieces fall off, gaps are left and somehow we must find the tools to fix it. Words, both said and unsaid, they are the things that keep our lives together. Use the damn things.

15. There is something that comes after

Woody Allen once said "The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one knows where it's being held."

I have that fear but not because I like to shave (I do hope though that when I check out, I've bothered to do some pruning, no one likes an overgrown bush.), the fear is primarily because there are those who have gone before that I must meet again. Also there is the fact that I need everything to level out. The one I was brought up to believe in has too many loopholes for the wicked and also sounds eternally boring. I prefer instead to think of it as the next great adventure, an unknown that will be revealed only after the curtains go down on this one. I have long held the belief that it does not matter where you're going after but what you do here and that I still hold true. In the words of Robert G. Ingersoll,

"Is there a God?
I do not know
Is man immortal?
I do not know

One thing I do know, and that is, that neither hope, nor fear, belief, nor denial, can change the fact. It is as it is, and it will be as it must be.
We wait and hope."

16. To be the best

This is a philosophy that I am yet to fully develop, this is what I have so far and I welcome any form of debate.

Each and every one of us has a sacred duty to be the best person that we can be. Some of us because we perceive that life has been more unfair to us than others, walk down paths that lead to harm and destruction, of ourselves and others. Some of us because we do not perceive our unique individuality choose to merely exist rather than live. And then there are those of us who think that this individuality means that we must be independent rather than interdependent.

You are all unique and that is something that you must never forget, that no matter what anyone else brings to the table, you bring a blend like no other. Upon realising this fact you must be ready to accept each other's uniqueness and perhaps even celebrate it but you must also realise that there is a common humanity that binds all of us. Then you must look inside and find the answers to these questions.

• If you could do one thing that at the end of the day would make your entire life, each and every experience, worthwhile, what would it be?
  
• If you could champion one cause in life, what would it be?
  
• What are the things that make you truly happy in life?
  
• What does giving mean to you and why do you do it?
  

If you can find these answers, then choose a path and walk it, even if it be less travelled, straight, narrow, crooked, wide or otherwise. Choose your path and become a better you, one who is purer of thought and heart than before.

17. Listen to the voices (not the ones in your head)

I know a number of people who don't enjoy a good book. It's still a mystery to me but we are different like that. I believe that there are lessons to be learned from those who have long since moved on and those of us that are still here. I yearn for knowledge and I cannot imagine greater teachers than the countless dead and living alike, my fellow human beings, so I listen to what they say. I listen and then decide whether to take their lessons to heart or give my own merits for thinking otherwise. One of us once said "There is no good in war except its ending", I believe him but clearly some of us don't. When I think about those that have an aversion to the written word, I wonder how they find the knowledge that we all seek. I remember reading Ingersoll's "Why I Am an Agnostic" back when I was disentangling myself from the clasping folds of religion and thinking that here was a kindred spirit. Perhaps it was just an affirmation of what I had to come to believe but it was good to know that someone had once asked the same questions of themselves and it was also good to know what they thought. Okay, I'm rambling but "listen to the voices".

If I Could Be Where You Are

Where are you? Are you part of everything now? Do you know it all? Do you stand before an old God, your worth being measured? You, who is worth more than all the empires of the world. Do you wait, in a place of some pope's design, for the faithful to will you to the pearly gates? Do you flap your wings and fleet from flower to flower in search of nectar? Do you hear the sound of her wings and taking her hand walk into a world of your own devising? Are you out there, on some far flung rock in this infinite constellation, embarking on another journey? Do you simply sleep, that peaceful sleep of the just? Do you patiently wait the tables for many a wayfarer at Worlds’ End? Do you wait for one to share the journey that comes next? Where are you?

At This Point In My Life

"At this point in my life, I'd like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was inside, as if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
See when I've touched the sky, the earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you all the sweetness that I have
Oh, At this point in my life
At this point in my life"
------------------------------------Tracy Chapman

It is late evening and I am seated at the Coffee Korner in PP rediscovering my ability to eat and drink. I am just recovering from my bout of that damn fever and I am pondering the workings of the universe. I belong out here; I know it and I feel it so strongly that I am puzzled as to why events have conspired to send me back to the beginning. It's as if I am merely a piece in a cosmic game of snakes and ladders. Most people get to a point in life when they try to figure out what it all means; they want their lives to make sense and it's not uncommon for someone to come to the conclusion that it's all meaningless. Life seems so random that the idea that there's a grand design to it is a bitter pill to swallow. I have had my moments of despair when nothing has made sense to me and I have come to the conclusion that it's all about the moments. This belief has served me well for a long while but it cannot any longer. There must be something more.

It is late evening and I am seated in the waiting room of Kampala Coach in Nairobi, my bus ride is still hours away and it has been one hell of a journey to get to this point. I am still disappointed that I'm back on this continent but here I am. I decide to pen a few thoughts to while away the time and put something in my tummy as well. I meet Rama whose mother runs the restaurant and I prompt him for his story and then something is revealed to me. I have been feeling it for a while now, a sense that something is happening to me that I do not yet understand. I have come the 360 degrees and suddenly there it is in front of me. I have come to a realisation that I am merely an instrument of the universe, that it moves me and points the way to the places I must go. Certain things begin to make sense now and I see the path that lies before me, I am here for a reason and if it is all to be worth it there are things that I must do.

At this point in my life, I believe that the universe moves me. That my life is no longer simply my own and that there is a grand design to this thing we call life. Perhaps my mind has gone vacationing on the other side but I simply believe that I have been called on to do the best I can. We, my dear friends, you and I are going to do something that will change one life for the better and will hopefully be the beginning of something bigger than ourselves. I will be in touch.

It’s in the words

I have a friend who doesn't listen to the lyrics of songs; she simply loves the rhythm and melody. I guess I can understand that, I like Henri Dikongue's music and I don't have a clue what he's talking about but he can pick that damn guitar. However for the most part the words are what matters most to me. The rhythm and melody hook me and then the words reel me in until I am awash with raw emotion and energy. I feel the words as if I was reading poetry and the emotions just seep through the artist's voice. Sometimes I identify with a song to such an extent that it becomes intricately woven into the fabric of my life, it's as if the words were written for me and those moments in my life. Sometimes the words simply say you're not alone, other times they allay my fears and give me hope and every so often they inspire me and point the way. These songs obviously become all time favourites.

I was stuck in airport terminal thousands of miles away just the other day and so with all the time in the world I scoured the internet for something to while away the time. Facebook excels in this respect and I'm sure many companies have experienced a decline in employee productivity due to this marvellous application. Anyway I found an application on FB that allows you to make all sorts of top 5, worst 5 and probably even mediocre 5 lists that you can then share with your friends and get them to waste 30 minutes or so of company time. But what the hell, all work and no play eh? So I made top 5 lists of all sorts of things and when I did one on favourite songs I found that I had so many songs I liked that I decided I would hazard a top 20 list on this here blog and get some of you to do the same (and nick another 30 mins). Let me see how far I can go down this rabbit hole:

1. Angel – Sarah McLachlan
   

   This has been the theme song of my life for a long time. There is a certain melancholy to it that I somehow always identify with and I have a thing for sad songs. I have been in the arms of the angel and found comfort there. I first came across it while watching "City of Angels" and the moment I heard it, I knew I had to find this song. I waited for the credits until I got the title and artist and I have since been a Sarah McLachlan fan. In fact the movie soundtrack was the first CD I ever bought.
   

   
    

2. Secret Garden – Bruce Springsteen
   

   This is the most romantic song I have ever listened to. Sometimes I prefer the one with the voiceovers from the movie "Jerry Maguire" and other times the original is just as intoxicating. It brings back memories of a more innocent time when I believed that if two people loved each other, then nothing else mattered. It was a time when I watched romantic movies featuring the likes of Drew Barrymore and I felt all mushy and warm inside. It reminds me of conversations I had with Carol back in A' level, of writing down the lyrics and having her giggle and say "Secret Garden" in a naughty way.
   

   
    

3. You Move Me – Susan Ashton
   

   I can't recall when I first heard this beautiful song but I fell in love with it. I remember being told it was a gospel song and that being atheist it should be out of my sphere. "It is a love song" I said "And I am very much a believer". It reminds of Jackie O back in A' level and of our conversations about the Christian God, of her writing down the words for me and her hope that I would one day see the light. Ah you cute girl, I hope he still moves you.
   

   
    

4. I'd Like - Freshlyground
   

   I heard this song only last year and it captured all my feelings for you. I wish I had told you all these things sooner, held back by the fear of rejection I could only have you listen to it. I felt these things for years but I could not say them, I was scared of one thing only. That one day you would feel different and leave me and I would lose the will to go on. Ironic that you're now gone and I struggle for the will to continue. But I know that you felt the same things.
   

   
    

5. I Cried For You – Katie Melua
   

   This woman has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. This song will forever be with me. These are the words of the songstress, these are my words.
   

   
    

   "You're beautiful, so silently it lies beneath the shade of blue, it struck me so violently when I looked at you.
   But others pass, they never pause to feel that magic in your hand, to me you're like a wild rose they'll never understand.
   

   I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
   

   But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
   

   
    

   I'll cross the seas for a different world with your treasure a secret for me to hold
   

   In many years they may forget this love of ours or that we met, they may not know how much you meant to me.
   

   I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
   

   But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
   

   
    

   Without you now I see how fragile the world can be
   

   And I know you've gone away but in my heart you'll always stay
   

   I cried for you and the sky cried for you and when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
   

   But this life was not for you, though I learned from you, that beauty need only be a whisper.
   

   That beauty need only be a whisper"
   

   
    

   The sky cried for you, I crossed the seas for a different world and now I drift but I am hopeful.
   

   
    

6. Falling Into You – Celine Dion
   

   I am a Celine Dion fan. I am not afraid to say so. I remember being gutted when I found out that she didn't write most of her songs, I had put her on a pedestal so high that I needed a ladder to reach up there and bring her down a notch or two. Nevertheless she still moves me. This one reminds me of Geri; it reminds me of those days in G.P. when we would sit and chat about anything, about our shared love of the music and my infatuation with R. It all began there; my love for you, that was the point I began to fall into you. In the end, I could not be all that you wanted and your rejection forced me to reinvent my life but that was the path I was meant to tread for it is the one that led me to her and brings me to this point. You will always be one of the most beautiful people I have ever known, I hope you have all the happiness you've ever wanted, because no one deserves it more than you. Oh, and thank you for making the music very special.
   

   
    

7. Healing Song – Bebo Norman
   

   Another gospel entry and another beautiful song, Bebo Norman is nothing short of amazing. You can feel all his emotions when he sings. Every time I listen to him I am reminded of Diana T, of those conversations we had all the way up on P floor. I remember the discussions about God and the meaning of life, going for Cell and to KPC for the experience. Your earnest attempts to get me to see the light and you accepting me just the way I was. I remember meeting Dimples and being amazed by the purity of spirit and that sparkle. I could pick any Bebo Norman song and it would bring those memories, this one however resonates with my life.
   

   
    

   
   "And for the love, for the love God,
   

   Oh I've gathered up my pride, I've gathered up my bits and bones
   

   And in a world that broke me down, oh I'm standing up, oh but not alone
   

   'Cause this is a healing song and I've got a heart that fails
   

   But love is pushing me along; I'm lifting up above this veil
   

   This is a healing song, oh and I don't know if you can tell
   

   But love is pushing me along; I'm pressing up against the rail, pressing up against the rail"    
   

   
    

8. Here With Me – Dido
   

   Fiona thinks Dido should be given the equivalent of a knighthood for her music, I couldn't agree more. You can never be the same after listening to her music, she tells you stories about all manner of things and when she's done something about you is changed. Dido introduced me to the internet. I was watching TV one night when I managed to catch an episode of Roswell and what captured me most was the theme song. I did the credits thing and then mounted a search for a CD, after an unsuccessful tour of the music shop (if I recall properly we only had that one on K'la Rd.) I discovered I could download it from the internet. Enter all sorts of new words like IE, P2P, CDRW, etc. Back then a blank CD cost about 20,000/= and I had no idea that one needed a CD writer to be able to burn CDs. I was fascinated with this world of computers and the internet that I ended up working in the "IT" field for years to come despite studying different stuff at campus. I have engaged in and will still engage in my fair share of copyright infringement. My apologies to all those artists, if I ever become filthy rich, I'll send you a couple of bucks until then LimeWire will do.
   

   
    

9. I will always love you – Whitney Houston
   

   This was the theme song of my first crush ever. I was in P.7 and one day I just looked at this girl and I fell. I spent a good number of weeks day dreaming but I could not say a word. Back then such things were a no-no; in fact I remember receiving a good number of lashes for passing on a note some guy had written to some girl. Granted the contents of the note were along the lines of "girl I wanna make you sweat, sweat till you can't sweat no more..." but I was merely a link in the delivery chain. The girl on receiving this note screamed and ran to the teachers who promptly decided that anyone who had touched this note was complicit in this 'crime'. I pleaded my innocence vociferously stating the fact that I did not possess X-Ray vision and could therefore not have known what the note contained but inevitably I had to succumb and receive my share. Damn you Mr. Mpagi! Anyway my crush lasted a whole term before I let it go but I will always remember.
   

   
    

10. Baby Can I Hold You – Tracy Chapman
    

    Okay, who does not like this song or Tracy Chapman for that matter? This one, along with other classics by Abba and Whitney Houston, reminds me of my mother. She loved this music, I recall spending weekends listening to these songs and having a blast. This is one song that I would really love to be able to play on the guitar. It is simply timeless.
    

    
     

11. Angel – DMX feat Regina Bell
    

    I remember telling a friend of mine once that if I had any religious inclination, this song would inspire me endlessly. Rap music is normally associated with violent, shallow and sexually explicit content and with good reason. I mean, what the hell do you do with a song like "I get money" by 50Cent? It was the worst song I heard in 2007. However this particular time, DMX dug deep, sifted through his life and soul and came up with something to inspire. To this day, I am moved by the passion with which he delivers these words.
    

    
     

12. Where Is The Love – Celine Dion
    

    Yes, here she is again, wowing me to the moon. She asks, "If ever the river could whisper your name, would the choices you make still be the same?" This one will forever remind me of Sheila back in my S.4 Vac. It is nice to be young and in love.
    

    
     

13. Dear Mama – 2 Pac
    

    For all those who have been and will forever be my mothers.
    

    
     

14. King Of Sorrow – Sade
    

    "I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul" There's a line that I will never forget. Thank you Jacque for telling me that "Beyond every mountain climbed, there's another waiting to be conquered" I hope I never lose the desire to conquer these mountains.
    

    
     

15. Let It Flow – Toni Braxton
    

    The first song I ever heard on CD. It was back in school and we had gone to a certain girl's school for a function. I remember the clarity of the sound, beautiful stuff. I love Toni's husky voice and the song reminds me of my cousin Jimmy who was my best friend back when I used to stay with a certain uncle of mine. Those were the days of discovery, of awakening to an inner spirit and beginning a journey of self discovery that has led me to this point.
    

    
     

16. Doggy Dog World – Snoop Doggy Dog
    

    I used to be hip in my younger days; I was on top of most things hip especially the music. I had a knack for listening to rap songs and getting the lyrics. I remember my classmates asking me to write down the lyrics to songs like 'C u when u get there' by Coolio. I was cool! However my foray into rap music all started with that album 'Doggystyle' by Snoop and this was my favourite song. I can still rap it from start to finish.
    

    
     

17. River – Natalie Merchant
    

    No one sings a sad ballad like this lady. The first time I ever heard her, I was sampling my aunt's music collection. I put her Tigerlily album into the CD player and pressed play, in 5 seconds I was hooked for life. She simply begins "San Andreas Fault" humming and its beautiful stuff. River is dedicated to River Phoenix, a promising Hollywood actor who died of a drug overdose in the early 90s. It is a moving song.
    

    
     

18. Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
    

    Another entry off the "City of Angels" soundtrack, however this one reminds of the Rick Dees show that was my rock music source for a long time.
    

    
     

19. Lay Down Beside Me – Alison Krauss & John Waite
    

    Another timeless song that reminds me of Don Williams who vaguely reminds me of my father, I also recall that you loved this song.
    

    
     

20. Just Dance – Lady Gaga
    

    Because it tells me you're okay and I should just dance.
    

There are tons of songs that I feel should be on this list, like Anything Can Happen, Nantongo, Like a Woman, Don't Speak, My Favourite Mistake, 3 Little Birds, etc. I'll stick with this one for now and if I were to change anything it would probably be among the last 6 songs.

The People Will Rise!

Phnom Penh (PP) is hot, humid, and dirty and most of it smells. That's the first thing you notice about it. You get used to the smell after a while; it becomes a minor irritation at the back of your mind that only pops up once in a while when you're in the poorer parts of the city. I think it arises from the fact that the drainage system is almost nonexistent, apparently when the government put out a tender for a company to do the drainage system, the prospective companies engaged in a bidding war and the winner realised that it was going to be impossible to do a proper job for the amount they had quoted. Their solution was to dig a bunch of holes several feet deep where the water would collect. As a result most streets flood every time it rains and you have to wade through ankle high water and sometimes worse. The heat and humidity can't be helped; it's a climate thing, light clothing is key, it's actually quite common to see the Cambodian boys and men topless in the afternoons playing with water hoses (the boys of course), I wish I could partake. I was anxious to sample the food and my first meal of the staple noodles and beef disappointed me. I was dripping in the sweltering heat by this point and proceeded to ask for a glass of the coldest water, the waitress brought me a glassful of ice and a jug of hot water! I could not express my disbelief due to the language barrier but considering the state of the establishment it was the best they could do. I poured the water over the ice and waited for it to cool. I had a couple of delicious meals later on from more respectable establishments the best of which was Mi Char, the classic noodles with beef which was lovely. The food is cheap though, the Mi Char set me back $1.95 and this was at one of the nicer places that even had air conditioning and free Wi-Fi. Dollars are actually the currency of choice because the Riel is {insert fancy economic term here; I can't be bothered to think it up now}. The 'Russian Market' which is 10 meters from where I was staying is a one stop point for everything, and it's bloody cheap. Having been on a shoestring budget, my plan was to have all my meals there and purchase anything I needed there. I figured I could spend at most $3 on food per day and I would be covered for a good 4 months. Other wares range from the latest Hollywood blockbusters to Buddha statuettes. The clothes are all designer because all the damn factories are here so a pair of GAP jeans costs about $10 and a pair of good sandals will set you back $5. Next time I come, I will pack two pairs of jeans and one of shoes and buy everything else here.

The first Sunday I was here I went exploring with two of my classmates; Niall Crotty and Ray Frost. We went up to the Boeng Kak lakeside in the northern part of PP and gradually made our way to the Tonle Sap riverside in the east to celebrate Amy's (classmate) birthday at the Foreign Correspondents Centre (FCC). It was my third day in PP and I got the chance to me see and meet the people. Cambodians are a lovely people, warm with smiling faces and very patient. They will do their best to try and understand you and it's up to you to try and get your message across. They were constantly amused by me, I guess because I'm a big black chap and I smile a lot. There is an alarming level of poverty, there are many beggars on the street and many of them are young kids who should by all rights be in school. It's hard to come to terms with it because if you are the kind of person who can't say 'no' then you'll give all you have away until there is nothing left. I was constantly plagued by this feeling. Then there are survivors of the Khmer Rouge regime, many of them disfigured or without limbs, how do you say no to them? On our way to the FCC, we met Peter, a 'Tuk Tuk' driver who told us how he was once rich and prosperous until the KR came. He lost friends and family and now tries to support those he has left by driving a 'Tuk Tuk' which was donated to him by a tourist couple from Denmark or Netherlands.

The story of the Khmer Rouge is one of mankind at his worst and I cannot delve into it here, but a quick Google search should give you an idea. The whole mess can be blamed on America and the French. Out of nothing else but sheer greed, these western powers looked to have an influence in this part of the world, the reason, chaps were finding oil all over the place so hey, why not grab a chunk of land here or there. It was obviously not as simple as that but suffice it to say that the wars in S.E. Asia which eventually led to the rise of the Khmer Rouge would not have ocurred but for the presence of the the French and the Americans and why were they there in the first place? "Because of vast Dutch oil discoveries in nearby Indonesia, first the French, then the Americans, wanted to explore the broad Vietnamese continental shelf." Of course in retrospect most monumental events can be linked by a chain of events to one cause and I bet if you went further you would come to the conclusion that we shouldn't exist at all because we as human beings are capable of the most atrocious acts. We delight in destroying and subjugating each other and there is no other animal on earth that behaves like we do. Anyway, my favourite humour site (cracked.com) lays most of last century's wars if not all at the feet of that Austrian dude whose bumping off sparked WW1, apparently with utter disregard for his life he just had to visit his buddies in the hospital right after a failed attempt on his life, his hapless driver got so lost that they ended up passing by a cafe where the main guy who had planned the assasination was having a consolation sandwich, he just couldn't believe his luck.

When the KR came to power, it set about enforcing its ideologies on the nation. The intellectuals and anyone who so much as showed an inclination towards acquiring knowledge were quickly done away with along with anyone who had ties to the former government. Urban dwellers were accused of "economic sabotage" due to their lack of agricultural ability. All ties to the outside world were cut off as the KR decided that Cambodia would become a self sufficient nation of peasant farmers. The year 1975 was declared year zero.

It is hard to believe that to this day most of the perpetrators of these crimes have not been brought to justice, in fact as a testament to the ability of these people to forgive, some live among them as if nothing had ever happened. They are kind, warm, gentle and forgiving but they can only take so much. The current government is utterly corrupt down to the very last police dog. The people are unhappy and one of these days they will realise where the power truly lies. Incidentally Cambodia is on some sort of international list of countries that could experience a revolution soon. I pray that it is peaceful, but yes the people will rise. I have come to hate the city because of some damned disease but I love these people. Rise up!

Of landmasses and conversations with ancient gods

So, I have had to cut my extended world trip short after just one month because I was afflicted by some damn disease called dengue fever and it rendered all my plans futile for now. In truth I really did not have a well laid out plan, I'm not the kind of person who does that. I don't have plan B's for most of the stuff I take on, and this one was really spur of the moment because it dawned on me that I should have been doing this shit already and I did not have any more time to waste. That coupled with the fact that I had to get away for a while made me come out here. The plan was simple:

1. Fly to Cambodia.
   
2. Do an intensive 5 week TEFL course which includes practical teaching as part of the course
   
3. Volunteer with the school as a teacher for 3 months after that
   
4. Find a volunteer opportunity in rural Cambodia and do that for about a year in exchange for food and shelter
   
5. Learn the language (Khmer)
   
6. Find my way into a monastery for another year or so after that, hopefully teach English there as well
   
7. Strike out with my new found wisdom after that and explore the continent, using my teaching skills to fund my travels.
   
8. Go back home after 5 years or so.
   
9. Do the occasional doobie wherever I could find it
   

The overarching goal of this was to simply work my way through my bucket list. The hope was and still is that; I will return wiser, I will change someone's life for the better, I will write some stuff to inspire others and generations that come after, I will save a life, make this brief existence meaningful and dedicate it to one who has gone before. Anyway, the dengue ensured that I couldn't complete the course and that I also run out of money in a blink. Now that I think about it if it had all gone according to plan, I would have probably caught something else in the rural areas because I didn't get any of the relevant vaccinations and the list of the ones I need doesn't fool around. If I got one of those, I wouldn't even have the time to pen off a quick goodbye. Briefly; there's Hep A, B and C, some Japanese Encephala-something* and a few others guaranteed to literally kick the living shit out of you. At least now I know, I do not possess Wolverine's healing factor.

The good thing is that I still have a place on the course and I can do it in either August or Jan as long as I get my ass back here. Hence I'm coming home to probably do some boring stuff and hopefully gather enough green to strike out again in Jan. Um...hopefully I will have a plan B this time round but I doubt it, some habits persist.

I am still upbeat; I have now set foot on two continents and visited one house of worship. It was Wednesday afternoon that I decided to go to the post office and send some post cards and it so happens that it is near Wat Phnom from which the city gets its name. I knew it was going to be an emotional day because I wanted to find a local who spoke a modicum of English and have a conversation. Instead I found myself sitting before an array of Buddha statues and statuettes, lighting a couple of incense sticks and having a one way conversation with one who has gone before, a prayer if you will. There is something wrong with me these days; I find that I am easily overwhelmed by emotion and so I find that thinking about certain things opens the floodgates. I was reading jiny23's blog post about his friend's loss and when I went to comment on it I let loose about a litre. My machismo is down to zero for now. Anyway, I had a long conversation in that temple; I prayed for peace for those who have gone before and those of us who follow, I asked for guidance in my endeavours, for a light to show the way back and for the strength to overcome the myriad of obstacles. All the time I could not stop shedding tears and I hoped that the sweating disguised them from my fellow pilgrims. All in all, I said my bit and I left. There is a tree with the loveliest red flowers here, I don't know if I have seen it elsewhere but its beauty strikes me every time I see it. I said my goodbyes to the city, promised to return and left a few hours later. I have now been stuck in the Bangkok airport for 2 days and I feel a fever coming on. Which reminds me, the song "Fever" is forever spoilt for me because if someone gave me that fever, moreover in the morning, day and night, there would be murder!

The Masterpiece of Nature

Thank you Mark, Dincy and all those of you I'm yet to discover I owe a lot. I would be stuck out here otherwise. I have truly tested my beliefs and they have held firm. I will now embark on paying it all around, back and forward.


And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
.................................Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

If you're out there...

There is a general feeling the world over that the proverbial has hit the fan. Everything seems to be linked back to the economic crisis which, seeing as I really have never flown high financially, I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing first hand. In fact I seem to have acquired more material wealth in these times of crisis. Let's see, new laptop, camera, old phone, um... new shoes and automobile was in the pipeline but I opted for an extended Christmas holiday which stretched from November to mid January. However I can't deny the fact that everyone's excuse for lack of funds seems to be the credit crunch or munch as some people see it. My reasons for languishing in poverty are purely personal, I plan to become a monk so I am getting used to the idea of doing without material desires. Seriously! Anyway that said, the current global outlook has been one of doom and gloom for the past several months.

However, being the marvelous creatures that we are, we seem to dig in and use moments of adversity to propel us forward. History has several examples; in the wake of WWII, the British parliament formed the National Health Services (NHS) which is regarded the world over as an excellent model for Universal Healthcare. The civil rights movement was borne of the violence that erupted due to racial segregation and discrimination. Vietnam gave us the hippie movement and Bush, whose cardinal sin seems to be that he was short changed in the IQ department, has given way to Obama, the man of the people. The important thing to note is that each of these moments has had someone leading the way, someone with a vision and with the interests of the people at heart. It remains to be seen whether Obama will pull the US and by extension the world through these tough times, there can be no doubt that his heart is in the right place but he cannot go it alone. Hence the call to his fellow americans to help remake the nation and a global call to rest of us to help remake the world.

The point of this post is to simply ask if you are ready to do your bit and remake the world. I once asked my friend Mark if he could consider himself the person to stand up for his generation and make a change and I remember he was overwhelmed by the suggestion. I believe that each and everyone of us has the ability to make a difference, to begin today, right now and start making your world a better place. A place you will be proud to call home. Some of us are meant to lead the way, some of us are meant to inspire but each one of us can and should, bit by bit make a difference. Are you ready to heed the call and be the change you want see. It all begins with you. I give you one whose words may inspire you more than mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Legend

If you're out there

If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation
We can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late

We've been looking for a song to sing
Searched for a melody
Searched for someone to lead
We've been looking for the world to change
If you feel the same
Then go on and say

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now
Now, now

No more broken promises
No more call to war
Unless it's love and peace that we're really fighting for
We can destroy hunger
We can conquer hate
Put down the arms and raise your voice
We're joining hands today

Oh I was looking for a song to sing
I searched for a leader
But the leader was me
We were looking for the world to change
We can be heroes
Just go on and say

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now
Now, now

Oh now, now

If you're ready we can shake the world
Believe again
It starts within
We don't have to wait for destiny
We should be the change that we want to see

If you're out there
Ooooh
If you're out there
And you're ready now
Say it loud
Scream it out

If you're out there
Sing along with me
If you're out there
I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud
If you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now

If you're out there
If you're out there
If you're out there

If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation
We can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late

Oh, I don't know who was solely responsible for the Hippie movemnt, but a thumbs up to them. The herb is holy, when done in moderation.

Veritas Aequitas

I've been tagged by Shishi and asked to tell a few truths about myself. Here goes...

1. I am in love with one who has gone before. It's hard but I am making my peace with it.
2. Consequently I have discovered that all I want to do with my life is help, teach, write and travel hopefully all at once
3. I am not afraid of death. Not so long ago it was the only thing I craved though I have a sneaking suspicion that my years will be long and testing.
   
4. I seem to have an overdeveloped sense of empathy and this makes me profoundly sad because I seem to feel everyone's pain. I believe that my only cure is to embrace the simple miracle of being.
5. I don't think I will ever get married, it's something I have known as true for a very long time and events have only conspired to reaffirm this fact. But I am open minded, I know that life is as funny as it is unpredictable and so maybe one day I will say the words "I do". I also have the utmost respect for the union of two souls and I think that some people don't hold it as sacred as it is.
   
6. I am afraid that I will never love another soul completely again because part of me has been taken away and I don't know if what's left is enough. I hope that one day I will heal.
7. I believe that life only has meaning when I do things out of love, compassion and kindness. All else is futile and would leave my days empty and bereft of joy.
8. My favorite song is Angel by Sarah McLachlan closely followed by Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen
9. I am a hopeless romantic and sad movies make me cry. It's a lot worse these days, I seem to have gone hormonal, I break down way too easily. The Secret Life of Bees tortured me!
10. I can't engage in small talk. It is an art that has eluded me, I like discussing serious stuff like the fate of the galaxy, whether Frodo will get the ring to mordor and then there is that damn spoon or not. Seriously small talk is hard for me, I don't even know how to start it. "Um...the weather's lovely this month?"
11. I have always been a dreamer. I always dreamt of being a Knight of the Realm. It probably explains why I love fantasy and sci fi.
    
12. I don't believe in the idea of an omnipotent God as sold by the major world religions. I have always found the christian god to be pompous and malevolent. I discarded religion when I was 14 and have since engaged in arguments concerning said being. They always end in a stalemate and numerous prayers said on my behalf. I however understand why some people need the belief.
13. I'm done for now.
14. I think I have said too much
15. I feel naked
16. Someone hand me a loincloth
17. Please!
18. Oh and I like sleeping in the nude!
    

Superhuman?

You said I was Superman, you said I was extraordinary, that I could do anything. You said it would be okay, that we would be fine, you did not know but you made me believe. I held your hand, I wanted to give you my life, I knelt down and for the first time in 14 years I said a prayer. I have embraced my purpose, my one reason for going on but it hurts, all the time. I cry, I am the last son of a dead planet but I bleed. I bleed.

The Cambodian Secret Police!

Football may be just a game but that Norwegian referee should find a quiet corner of this planet and lay low. Tuvalu might not be a bad idea Mr. Ovredo because if I was a Chelsea fan, I would have Timothy Olyphant on your ass. For all the Man United fans, "Big is Big".

I've been in this city two weeks now and it feels like a lifetime. I don't consider myself the kind of person who falls homesick so my longing for the cooler climes of home is based on a few things. I picked up Dengue fever a few days after I arrived or on arrival, apparently it has an incubation period of about 2 weeks so I might not have had that at all but I had all the bloody symptoms and that's what matters. Phnom Penh is hot and humid; I was shocked the first morning I woke up here; I took three steps and thought I was dissolving, beads of sweat formed instantly everywhere (and I mean everywhere) and quickly coalesced into rivulets. The temperature pretty much stays the same the whole day so imagine my shock when I woke up at 3:00 am on Wednesday morning and I was freezing! I thought I was going nuts and then the headache set in and finally the body ache (from which we get the name break bone fever). Having had my first thirty minute lesson the evening before, I was looking forward to the feedback session with the trainers but after two hours of attempting to "wriggle my big toe" I jumped on a 'tuk tuk' and headed to the clinic. A few forms later; some prods and probes, a bit of hide and seek because the kind nurse had showed me to a bed while I waited for the doctor and I got to see Dr. Velez. He was a nice enough doctor, took all my information and then proceeded to tell me that I might have dengue but that could not be confirmed until I had had the fever for a few more days. At first I thought this was hospital humour, the nice doctor's attempt at a lighter bedside manner and then I slowly realized he wasn't joking. So I asked him for the other symptoms of this fever and what treatment there was. Without flinching he runs through a top ten list of things you don't want happening to you in a strange land; nausea, vomiting, severe headaches, fever, diarrhoea, intense body ache and others. Then he prescribed me pain killers and said I should take as much fluids as I could and stay in cool places. I wanted to tell him "Dude, this is the hottest city I've ever been to; I have class from 9 to 4 and teaching practice from 6 to 8 and all in very hot rooms". After getting my bill, I really wanted to throttle someone, one visit to the doctor and I was in danger of becoming destitute in a strange land, and I had to come back in 5 days!

I managed to make it to class on Thursday and discovered that I could not afford to miss one more day or I wouldn't be able to get a certificate on completion which would make the entire course moot. I had my second teaching session that evening and it was fine. I seem to have had a handle on the sweating thing but I think that was mostly the fever. Friday morning and shit hit the fan, the pain killers seemed as effective as a fly swat against Godzilla and I felt like I had been trudging across the continent but I had to make it to class! My first weekly feedback session and my trainer Emily thinks that I'm a natural! Can you believe that? Me? A natural? I think back on all the teachers that I've had and I get the image of Mr. Okello, my primary four science teacher who used to prefix my name with an O. After pointing out areas for me to improve upon, Emily lets me go get some rest. It is sad to say that was the last day I stepped in class. The idea was to recuperate over the weekend and return to class on Monday brimming with energy. Friday was the beginning of something else; "halluciNation" is what I will call it. It all started innocently enough, someone whispering my name and giving me information about the Cambodian Secret Police and then somehow finding myself a member of it. Before I know it, there's a North Korea nuke on its way to wipe out Phnom Penh and I must do something. Then I find out that the nuke was a ruse by some ancient sect of power hungry beings, their plan is to empty the city and search for an ancient artifact that would grant them absolute power. I am the last of the guardians. I must not fail.

Anyway the weekend is full of such and the complete host of symptoms for Dengue fever. The headaches are so intense that I find myself doing the most intricate yoga positions involuntarily. At this point I haven't eaten in days, I have nothing resembling an appetite and I can't even keep water down, though I have been jumping off the Angkor Wat temples with Lara Croft. I called the doctor on Saturday to ask him for the dengue treatment since I was pretty sure I had it and I learn that the damn disease has no cure. The best I can do is treat the symptoms until the fever breaks and I'm in the clear. This news shocks and leaves me in dismay, if I'm not better by Monday then I can't go to class.....ergo. At this point I hate the smell of the city and its food, both smells seem to pervade everything here and I'm at the point of throwing up my guts. If it wasn't for the fact that I promised someone I would return, I would let this damn disease claim me. The poetic symmetry of it would be interesting at least. I understand too that the idea of going through this pain every week for the rest of your life is unpalatable and I have an idea now why you wouldn't fight any longer. I think I finally make my peace with it, strange that I had to come out here to do it and I think I know why.

Monday and the dream of going to class is no more, I cannot bend the spoon Neo, whether it's there or not. I go to another clinic, one that will not leave me trawling the streets of PP after a visit. The good doctor Sheppard takes the usual history and is concerned that I might have picked up malaria from elsewhere because of the dengue incubation period. I assure him that unless there was a stash of mosquitoes on those big aluminium birds we call aeroplanes then I have had no contact with malaria. After reaffirming that there is indeed no treatment but to tackle the symptoms, he tells me I should be in the recovery phase. He prescribes some anti nausea medicine; some oral rehydration salts (when did they start making them sweet?), some painkillers and the best piece of advice that I should have someone administer an IV from home as it would be bloody expensive to do at the clinic. He also takes a couple of vials of blood to look for different things.

My classmates and instructors are an amazing bunch and only a separate blog post will be fair to them but Amy and Lisa with whom I stay (same hostel) have been amazing. Amy has tried her best to pump me with all sorts of food and drink. Lisa willingly gave up her room with a/c so that I could recuperate and I think that did the trick. Anyway two IVs later and I can finally keep food down again, in a few more days I should be able to head on back home and plan another campaign out here. I will return you damn city, even if I have to put on a hazmat suit all the time. I will teach someone here and learn something as well.

In case you're wondering how the affair with the ancient beings and the last of the guardians ends, I will ruminate a while and see if anything comes to mind.

360 Degrees

So I pack a few clothes, shoes, laptop, books and my music which I consider to be my "army of thousands". Not having owned much in the way of material things, I give what little is left away. I hop on an Emirates Airbus 330 and head east. My destination, the Kingdom of Cambodia, it should take me roughly 30 odd hours to get there. Emirates is a fantastic airline, I have an array of entertainment to keep me occupied before my first stop in Dubai. I decide to watch the Top Gear crew ride motorcycles across Vietnam then a British sitcom about a group of IT geeks and finally Frost/Nixon which is an excellent movie. Nixon was a bastard and he's unlucky he didn't live long enough to see an even bigger bastard in Bush junior. All this is complimented by some excellent food, something with lamb, some tea and juice, all at several thousand feet. I arrive in Dubai at about 05:30 and get a chance to see it from the air at night. It's beautiful, the lights are amazing, and the highways are like long fiery serpents that wind their way across this desert land. The plane docks at terminal 3 and I step into the biggest airport I have ever visited, I'm afraid of getting lost but thankfully the entire place has signs all over and I make my way to the transfer desk so easily that I have to ask the lady if I'm in the right place. Speaking of which, the stewardesses are hot! Anyway departure is three hours later and I'm on my way to Bangkok and after doing a body odour check I realize that I should have taken a shower before I left for the airport. This time I'm on a Boeing 7something7, it's daytime and I can see the gulf state clearly. It's a marvellous city jutting out of the sand with tall towers everywhere. I remember looking out of the airport at the city and seeing construction cranes everywhere and it strikes me that man is still obsessed with building tall towers despite the failure of Babel. I wonder to myself whether this city has a soul to it, maybe one day I will find out or one who has been will tell me. We fly east and I get the sense that I'm time travelling because of all the time zone changes. The clouds are beautiful; the way the sunlight falls on them makes them look solid. I feel that I could walk on them. It saddens me that you are not here with me to see this beauty and I wonder if somewhere out there, maybe high above the world you can see it too. I watch 'The Secret Life of Bees' and am moved to tears.

I arrive in Bangkok at 18:30 and find the desk to get my next boarding pass, however I have to spend 12 hours waiting for my next flight. This guitar that I'm lugging around is beginning to annoy me but I keep my spirits up and decide to explore the airport. I spend the night visiting the smoking rooms which are a small mercy, riding the elevators drinking mochas and eating New York Subs. At one point I have a chat with Samir who works as a safety auditor on commercial ships for a Japanese company, I learn that there is such a discipline as Nautical Sciences and that he's been all over the world. He's been doing this for the last 14 years and is thinking of retiring and moving his family from India to Singapore. We talk about a lot of stuff, travel, the economy, Uganda, India, Japan, history and the future. It is a very welcome conversation and it whiles away the time. We say goodbye and head to get our various boarding passes. I get to the desk and present my ticket and I'm told I have to wait while they call Phnom Penh to verify my volunteer letter and that I should check back at 07:00. The flight is at 07:50 so this does not bother me. I find a comfortable spot and sit down to while away another 2 hours and then I run into Amkit.

Amkit is from Berkely, CA and is on his way to Kolkata, India to see his mother among other things. We begin chatting and it strikes us how lucky we are to have met at that point, I find him intriguing and full of life. Like me he is a hopeless romantic and has had his own fare share of heartbreak and he too is on a journey to heal his soul. I cut our conversation short because I have to go and get my boarding pass and he becomes concerned that he has offended me. I allay his fears and promise to come back and say bye after picking my boarding pass. I head back to the nice Thai lady and discover that I have to spend another 12 hours in the airport because she has not been able to contact the school in Phnom Penh and I have to take the evening flight. It is now Thursday morning and I have been awake since Tuesday 10:00am. Strangely I don't feel anything negative and I go off to find Amkit who is on phone with a friend back in the states. He invites me to have a chat with Esther who is a retired teacher and has just recovered from major surgery. I am struck by the simple beauty of the fact that I left home a few days ago and here I am with someone I've never met before talking to a stranger in a far off land. We are indeed all connected. After the phone call, he offers to buy me breakfast and we chat some more, he introduces me to the music of Asa which is to say the least lovely. I particularly like the song 360 Degrees which speaks to me in a way only Dincy would understand. I introduce him to the music of Henri Dikongue and he can barely hide his excitement. Some scrumptious Thai food, two cups of coffee, an exchange of ideas and dreams and a promise to keep in touch, we part ways and I busy myself with the internet and the smoking rooms while I await my flight.

I board another Airbus at 18:50 and head to Phnom Penh my journey already having been worth it. I am tired and I have kavubs but I feel inspired and alive.

Playing tip or was it spelled teep...

Normzo or Norma as I know him has seen fit to bestow upon me this prestigious award. I am over the moon, yup, like the cow in the nursery rhyme.
Okay, 7 blogs that I find brilliant.

• Minega Strikes Back: Dude where did you go? Trip to space?
  
• Across the line
• This too, shall pass
  
• A Common Life
• Greenfinity
• th3 int3llig3nsi4
• Steph Versus World
• The Rogue King

Now 10 things about me

1. I have kissed the love of my life.
2. I have just upped and left the life I know for a far away country to teach English.
3. I enjoy smoking weed
4. I have an unyielding belief in the innate kindness of human beings
5. I will never know what it feels like to have a father
6. I am obsessed with "The Sandman"
7. I am not afraid to trust
8. I judge people by deed and word
9. I think that I am a feminist
10. I have overactive sweat glands, every time I am nervous or I exert myself a bit, my face is like a flowing river. So I like to be calm and collected.

Then the instructions for the 'chosen ones' ;

1.You must brag about the award

2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger

3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.

5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.Then pass it on with the instructions!

I guess that's about it....tag or tip...you're it.

The fear you won't fall.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
.......................................................................................... The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

I am sad, that is true. I am sad because of those who have gone before, I am sad because sometimes we have to say goodbye. I am sad because we as human beings seem to have failed to learn the lessons life has attempted to teach us. I am sad because of many things.

I am hopeful. I know that I am loved. I have learned how to love. I know what to do with my life. I have found the question for which love is the answer.

Taking Leave

So, I have arrived at this point. The many winding roads have led me here, the point at which I know with absolute certainty that I must leave you all. Ever since that February day, I have had but one desire and that is “to lay down my life and call it a day”. The sadness I feel each day is worse, everything here reminds of her and I know that the pain I feel will be with me until I draw my last breath. Only my simple belief in the kindness of strangers stays my hand, that and the desire to see the world, to save a life, to expend my life doing something good. It is now clear to me that I will never put down roots anywhere, the whole world is my home and yet I am a stranger here.
It is hard for me to say goodbye, I don’t know how to do it. I hope a few words will suffice.
I have always believed that lady luck looked at me when I was born and decided that it was not for me to win lotteries and grand prizes, I believe she simply whispered in my ear “You will have the fortune of meeting the most beautiful and lovely people”. It has been amazing knowing all of you.

Roger, you are an amazing person, one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. I can never pay back all that you’ve given me because you gave me my life when I thought I had lost it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I know sometimes life is hard but if there’s anyone with the guts and belief to make it, it is you. I will always be proud to call you my brother.

Stella, I hope that one day you truly laugh and that those dark feelings leave you. I also hope that one day you find yourself, and that you embrace the simple miracle of being because life is simply just grand, you just have to breathe the free air to know it.

Mark, I pray you find the things that make you truly happy. It may seem that you were much happier in the yesteryears but “life has loveliness to sell” in amazing abundance. I know that the road ahead may sometimes seem difficult and the light may sometimes seem like it’s gone out. All I can tell you is to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

Googz, I hope one day you find the courage to let go of yourself and remember what it feels like to trust. Take a chance! No one has to do it alone.

Abbas don’t let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do; only you can tell yourself that. If it means that you must take a chance and go with blind faith then do it, you’ll be the better for it. I know you and Sheila will do some amazing things together, so don’t waste any time because life is short.

Jorge, I feel your pain, I hope one day it all works out. You’re one of the best people I know, I have faith that you will be okay. There is one out there, one that will love the pilgrim soul in you.

Kats, I wish you the happiest days of your life. You’ve got a good thing going, that girl and you. I thank you for offering wise counsel and pray that you continue to do so.

Nagi, have faith in your friends, do not be afraid to ask for a helping hand. That is what friends are for. Don’t lose the joker in you; life is too short to be too serious.

Dush, I wish you one more guardian angel to watch over you. I will never forget that we had that “profoundest moment” and I hope you never lose that foothold in Zion.

Dipo, I wish I had the time to figure you out. Sometimes you seem too angry and other times there is a happiness few really know. I know there is nothing more important in your life than your friends so I hope you’re always surrounded by the truest of friends. I also hope that you find that thing that makes you truly at peace.

Bams, I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. Do not get lost in that world of numbers and derivatives and whatnot, take a moment every now and then and smell the flowers.

Kezie, I pray you find something that inspires you to change your life for the better. I feel that somewhere along the way, life’s most important lesson has been lost on you. I hope you get another chance to learn it before it’s too late. Remember, “You’ve got to give a little, to live a little”.

Miles, Gitta, Bits, Enan, Kagzi, Allano, Budi, Izak, Victor, all you nook and jeras niggaz, thank you for your friendship.

Fiona, I hope that the night sky and fireworks will always be amazing for you and that your life will always be filled with the loveliest music. It has been a pleasure knowing you. I will miss those conversations. I hope one day our paths cross and we can sit and share our experiences.

Pat, never forget that there is something nice and lovely about you.

Dimples, I pray that one day you find Isaac and all your dreams come true. Thank you for accepting me as I am, it is a rare thing indeed to be loved unconditionally. May you always have that sparkle in your eyes and that warm loving smile. Never let anyone tell you it’s wrong to give a damn because in the end only kindness matters. You are perfect, just keep being you.

Diana, I wish you many more lovely moments and years. I am sorry that I have fallen out of touch but I will never forget our friendship. I am sorry that I missed your wedding day; it hurts me that I did.

Trish, thank you for those wild and sweet moments of ecstasy and for giving me the definition of “making love”. There is one for you out there, I only ask that you find your voice and know yourself.

Penny; something tells me that if I had but talked with you a little more, I would have discovered another part of me. If anyone is equipped with the right stuff to find true happiness, it is you. Don’t ever forget that.

Scharlyne, I guess all I can say is that we all tread the roads we tread. I know yours leads to success and I hope you have happiness as your companion.

Esther, It was lovely while it lasted. I will not forget you and I wish you the best.

Jaq, you will always be a highlight in my life. Our shared love of words and beautiful things will endure and I know that we’ll be the best of friends to our dying days. I pray you find that friend who will cook you a soup to warm your soul.

Sam, you’re a sweet soul, gentle and kind. I pray you never lose that. Good luck with everything

Maria, the words are what matters, the things spoken, the sharing of knowledge, of values and of dreams; these are the things that matter between two people. Do the talk thing and you’ll understand each other. I hope one day you discover what you really desire to do.

Gloria, I wish you pure and simple happiness. I hope that you’ll get to run around with your grandchildren and give them fairytale names. Give Lorena a kiss for me and tell her I will write her a bedtime story one day.

Salomé, you’re in love with one who bears my name. I do not doubt that you will be okay. Enjoy every minute of it.

Tabitha, joy, love, peace, happiness, comfort, adventure and more; these are things that I wish for you.

Sarah, my friend and friend of my friend, I know we share the same pain and a hope that these things will make us better people; for both our sakes I believe this to be true. I will miss you dearly and that lovely way you smile. Have an amazing life.

Dincy, aaah, the wonder of you; our lives indeed are too strange for us. I feel the things that you feel and yet I must leave you. I go to heal myself and I hope you find a way to heal yourself too, I promise that I will keep checking on you and if I should return and find that you are not happy here I will take you with me. For my part I pray you have a beautiful life. These things that grow from empathy are comforting and hopeful. Thank you for being there.

Bré, I tried to say my goodbye yesterday and I know it will take me a long time to let go if ever. I will keep the fire burning however long the years may be. Even though it seems that I go to forget, I know that I never will. I take you with me; in the depths of my heart for you will always be what drives me. I will simply live my life in memory of you.

…and for all of you
I have a simple idea, that each and every one of us is unique. The moments that have brought you to be are in themselves so unique that there will never be another like you. I think that sometimes you forget something as simple as the fact that you are special.

The years lie before you; they are empty pages of a book, a book that tells the story of your life. You are the author and it is up to you to choose the words to put down. May you all write all manner of beautiful things and may you never forget that you hold the instruments of the storyteller, be they pen, pencil, keyboard or paintbrush. You are the author, your life will always be your own.

Be the best of friends, support each other, and do not be afraid to correct one another. Do not be quick to anger; try to understand each other instead. Work together so that you may all prosper, and remember that life is not a zero sum equation.

How to save a life?

I have been thinking about life. In fact I think about it a lot. What does it mean? What is my purpose? How can I know that I have done well with my fair share of it? These are all questions that only I can answer. No book or religion or person can tell me these things, but even as I write this I know that we as human beings are simply nothing more than the sum of our experiences. The things that we go through in life, the good and the bad determine how we look at life and give us the lessons we take with us on whatever path we tread. I have seen a few things here and there, experienced immeasurable joy and sorrow and like a rope maker I have beaten the strands and wisps that make the bonds of true friendship. I have always thought that my purpose in life was simply to love and to be loved and though life in all its fickleness has conspired to make me believe otherwise I have held fast to these beliefs. Now like some poet long since dead, I stand on the edge of a surf tormented shore and I ask the Gods that be, of small things and those of great consequence, that one day I can save a life. For then I will know that my life has been worth something and I will be absolved of all my indiscretions.

Storms

For Dincy, thank you for being there and for knowing how I feel.

There will be storms, child
There will be storms
And with each tempest
You will seem to stand alone
Against cruel winds
But with time, the rage and fury
Shall subside And when the sky clears
You will find yourself
Clinging to someone
You would have never known
But for storms.
............................................Margie DeMerell

This is how we remember you

With heads bowed in silent prayer,
Cheeks wet with silent tears,
Hearts heavy with silent sadness,
This is how we mourn you.

Reliving the moments spent together,
Remembering the secrets told and kept,
Feeling the intimacies in the elements,
This is how we grieve for you.

Taking the joy, love, peace and happiness,
Finding a voice in solacing solitude,
Passing it forward and giving it to the world,
This is how we remember you.

…………………………………………………………….RCK

CouchSurfing

CouchSurfing (verb): To crash at someone else's place.

The CouchSurfing Project is a free, Internet-based, international hospitality service, and it is currently the largest hospitality exchange
www.couchsurfing.com

I have been afflicted by wanderlust of late and am still in the process of planning my permanent move overseas but the need to get away has been intense. While reading a travel blog online I came across CouchSurfing and proceeded to investigate this community of people who are likewise afflicted. The process is relatively simple, you sign up on the website and get in touch with people who live where you want to go.

So I signed up on the website and proceeded to get in touch with 2 people in Nairobi and 2 others in Dar asking if I could crash on their couches for a few days. I received 2 offers in 24 hours so I packed my bag and run off with little or no money to crash on Putu's couch in Nairobi.

The bus ride was something else, it set off at midday and I proceeded to enjoy the scenery and chat with my neighbour who was on his way to Mombasa. Let me just say Uganda is a bloody beautiful country. 4 hours later we reached the border and quickly got through to the other side so I thought to myself a few more hours and we'll be there. 5 hours later I was knackered and wanted to just get off the bus and walk, little did I know I had 4 more hours and like a gazillion roadblocks to go. The night sky was absolutely amazing and so was the occasional smoke when we stopped for a few minutes. It is an interesting thing but I think smokers have a headstart in making a connection, all it takes is the sharing of a lighter or cigarette and the words come easier.

Anyway 13 hours after setting off I arrived in Nairobi and proceeded to find my host Putu at Carnivore and trust him to be nice and drunk. I quickly deposited my bags and a lovely girl called Wanja bought us shots. The night was filled with beer and strangers; Putu who incidentally is from South Africa and has only been here a month, Wanja who loves old school hip hop, Ameline who was going back to Norway the next day, Prossie who took me through a vigorous ragga session and a host of other interesting people. We stumbled into Putu's apartment at 5:30 and I took up residence on his couch, my journey already having been worth it.

Got up at about 4 and headed to Gipsy, a nice bar and restaurant with a gypsy theme to it, a version of Bubbles if I might say so. I had the best burger ever "classic beef burger with glazed ham, lettuce, tomato, fresh basil and mozzarella" according to the menu which I nicked because it had this poem that I found very exciting and foretelling.

Auspicious Rose (Mary-Ann Robertson)

Whether traveller or reveller
Runaway or refugee
We gather together by a fortuneteller
Wherever dweller the gipsy
Here tales are told
Among scattered packets of tobacco
And shot sambuca sold
Peels of laughter reeling in tequila
'ere there
Drowned sorrow soaks tomorrow in amnesia
Down in one dime or two wine or three
Behold
The curtain of each character unfolds
As thy forune is perchance unrolled
On petalled gipsy palm
Charmed mistress o'er crystall ball
So future vagrants may yet recall
Who knows
That romance did those befall
Amid skulduggery and rose

After watching that painful loss to Fulham, we settled down to conversation and beer while waiting for a one Luc to arrive. Luc is by all definitions African American, even though his last name is Angwenyi. He grew up there and so almost everything about him is gangsta. At first I was shocked to see this big, boisterous fellow but as the night wore on I was pleased to discover that beneath all that macho stuff he has a lot of respect for other people and is really intelligent.

Luc came along with his boss Amid or Hamid or something like that. Amid (I'll stick with that) is British but of Indian descent and considers himself Kenyan. A lawyer by training, he came to Africa 20 years ago with the desire to make a difference in the world around him. A successful businessman, he also runs 5 homes for battered women and children. He's married to a British lady and has 3 children, the youngest a daughter. He hopes that one day she'll marry a nice African man and be happy and in his words "complete". But for all this stuff, Amid struck me as a deeply sad man, he feels he hasn't achieved the things he wants to, he is disgusted with the fact that Africans still dance to the white man's tune. He is disappointed that he has not been able to inspire his fellow man to greater heights and would gladly assist anyone pursuing such an endavour. All this he tells me after I introduce myself as an aspiring writer. Anyway he gets too sloshed and takes his leave and I desiring to continue the conversation ask Luc about him and I get invited to their offices on Monday (sadly I'll be leaving then).

We all settle down at a table and I meet Mercy, Sheila, Graeme, Oscar and Hakim. Oscar and Hakim are Ugandan and have been in Nairobi for about a year. Graeme who also happens to be Luc's boss is British, he's been in Africa for ages as well and loves it, especially Zambia. He's recently divorced after a 14 year marriage and has one daughter he loves absolutely. Incidentally he strikes me as a happy guy who loves life and doesn't take waste an opportunity to enjoy it. He cozzies up to Mercy and I promptly turn my attention to the rest of the party. I learn a new swahili word "baridi" which means cold because warm beer seems to be the rule rather than the exception here. Luc meanwhile is being his gangsta self and making advances on several girls after having an intimate moment with Sheila who happens to be his wokmate. By the by the alcohol gets to him and he comes over to the table with a wild haired girl who looks like nothing but trouble and indeed proves to be as Sheila turns up the heat on him. A few mineral water bottles later he comes to his senses and gets rid of the valkyrie.

Meanwhile I've lost track of how many beers I've consumed and Putu is busy trying to get lucky. After some abandoned dancing, more beer, juicy steaks and more conversation we head home at 4 or thereabouts. We get home and Putu receives a phone call and rushes back out to get lucky. I being too hammered jump onto the couch and call it a good night.

Sunday is a beautiful day with the loveliest weather I've seen in a while. We walk around the city which is nice and neat. We have lunch at some Italian restaurant and then proceed to the Masai market where I have to choose between buying a Masai blanket that is apparently worn by the Masai men when they are brewing beer and chilling or one that is put on by the warriors. I opt for the former and then we go home to chill and wait for the Liverpool game. Its pretty much winddown mode from there onwards and now I have look forward to a 13 hour journey. I so want to see the rift valley.

The Bucket List

Before I set out on my journey, I have decided to make a list of the things I want to do before I die, the things that will truly make me happy. Every single day, I will try to do one or more of these things and hopefully by the time I shuffle off, I will be smiling or sky diving, who knows. I think if each one of us made such a list and everyday was spent consciously trying to achieve or do these things, we would all be a happier lot. It is a strange thing how we often tell ourselves that we cannot do the things we want to do because of one thing or another, but when something happens, we look at our lives and wonder why we waste so much time doing unpleasant and mundane things. So, I challenge you to sit down, make your list, and see how far you can take it.

• Find inner peace
  
• Save a life
• Carry the peace flag all over the world
  
• Sit atop a mountain and watch the sunrise
  
• Learn to play the guitar
  
• Write and perform a song for my love
  
• Set foot on all the continents
  
• Feel the ocean
  
• Visit the Taj Mahal
  
• Spend a year in a monastery
  
• Run with the bulls
  
• Tomato Fight
  
• Go Bungee Jumping
• Carnival in Brazil
  
• Sky Diving
  
• Make Snow Angels
  
• Visit 25 houses of worship around the world and light a candle in each
  
• Attend the FIFA World Cup
  
• Walk along the Great Wall of China
  
• Swing a Samurai Sword
  
• Learn Arabic, Chinese, French, Spanish and Hindi
  
• Write a book
• Write poetry
  
• Make love on the beach
  
• Have a threesome (with 2 hot birds)
  
• Sit on a park bench in Amsterdam and smoke weed
  
• Cook an Indian meal
  
• Drive an Aston Martin DBS
• Roller coaster ride
• Ice skate like a pro
• Ride a camel, elephant and horse
• Attend a Coldplay concert
• Shake hands with someone who has truly changed a country
• Hot air baloon ride
  

…..I will always be yours!

I remember all the times you kissed me, underneath the starlight in Jinja, that time in stakeout, that time in Hohe's car, that night in the disco, in that game of spin the bottle at Maria's, that night outside your house, that night in your car outside my house….each and every single one magical! I meant what I told you, that you are the one person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. My love is too much to contain, now that you've gone from here, and if I must give it away to the whole world to find you again, then I give it up. I can't live without you. I know I will see you in the smiling faces and warm embraces of all that I meet out there, and where there is a tear I will wipe it away. I don't know where the roads will take me but I hope that at the end of it all, I lay me by the ocean and come to join you. If somewhere out there my mind should let go, I pray that the one thing that remains is the memory of you.