Do we ever stop wanting?

I grew up in a small village, I had little desires, in fact one of the things I remember wanting most as a kid was to walk to school barefooted. Most other kids went to school barefooted but my mother rightly wouldn't let me. One day, when she had taken a trip to Kampala, I was left to my own devices and barefooted I strolled to school. It was a lovely feeling that day. I was like everyone else. Then I remember wanting to go and play "gogoli". A form of sledding minus all the safety gear and the snow. It involved a steep slope of about 150m or so, a banana plant stem and gravity. The safety net being a muddy pool of water. After an afternoon of "gogoli", I strolled home with my backside on display (shorts got worn out in one afternoon) to meet my mother's disapproving gaze and a few lashes on my now exposed behind. Still I had a great time. Then there was the game of "parapara", which basically was making a rotor using reeds, paper and some plant sap (engineering for beginners) and then running around so that the wind could rotate the mechanism….basically those were my desires then.

Fast forward 15 years and the only thing I want is more and more money. It's a far cry from those innocent days of my childhood. Sometimes I think that if I hadn't learnt a few things I would have been much happier with a hoe than with a pen. So when Dimples told that sometimes she wonders if we ever stop wanting, if we get to a point and say "yes, I think this is enough", I didn't have the heart to tell her it never ends. The never ending cascade of wanting more and more will never end until you draw your last breath, fruitlessly bargaining with death for a little "MORE" time.

ENIGMAS

Why am i here? Can I make a difference? How? How can I take your pain away? Does love conquer all? Is it enough? Am I wasting my life? What's the point anyway? Do you ever feel the other person's pain? Do you share in their joy? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Why does the journey back always seem shorter? Do I love you? Do you love me? Who am I? Why is that kid on the street? What is his story? Have we failed him? What is your story? Do you give alms? Why? Does it make you feel better? Does it absolve you? Are you guilty anyway? Of what? Did you love him enough? Did you love her enough? Is anybody there? Beyond the veiled sky? Do they care? About you? About me? Can they change it? Would they?

Hiro and the Future

I love comics, in fact I have a 5Gb collection of them, my favorites being Tintin, X men, Superman…etc. I also love movies based on comics, I enjoyed the Xmen, The Matrix, Siperman. One thing that I've failed to find however, is a good TV Series based on a comic book, or one with superheroes and stuff. Sure, there's Blade, Mutant X, and a few others I'm sure I know nothing about…but nothing outstanding. Enter Heroes , a tale of ordinary people waking up one day with extraordinary abilities, kind of like Mutants in the Marvel Universe. While it employs the usual tricks on leaving you hanging at the end of each episode, it is a beautifully written script, and one of those few things that get my "Masterpiece" tag, that's if they don't do another season. It ranks up there in my list of "works of art" which includes

Books

1. The Sandman - Neil Gaiman
2. The Kiterunner - Khaled Hosseini
3. The Lord of The Rings - JRR Tolkien
4. The Bartimaeus Trilogy - Jonathan Stroud
5. Salems Lot - Stephen King
6. The Shining - Stephen King
7. Snow Falling on Cedars -
8. The Wisdom of Crowds -
9. Blink -
10. Opening Skinner's Box

Movies

1. The Fellowship of the Ring
2. The Phantom Menace
3. The Matrix
4. Revenge of the Sith
5. The Two Towers
6. In America
7. Braveheart
8. Dogma
9. Hearts In Atlantis
10. The Last Samurai
11. Gladiator
12. A Beautiful Mind

Comics and Comic Strips

1. Calvin and Hobbes
2. The Far Side
3. TinTin
4. Wolverine: Enemy of The State
5. X Men: The Dark Phoenix
6. Kingdom Come

.....................to be continued

The Demons Within

We had an agreement, you stupid body, you with those flailing arms and meandering legs. We slit our palms and joined our hands, and promised we wouldn't let each other down, in these here dark times, when the sun hides her warmth and the moon shyly skips behind the clouds. Yet now you give up on me and let others inhabit your nooks and crannies; I will not let you, this here ours, is an apothecary race, so I will give you the concoctions you need and you will stand up tall and strong and together we will walk through that damn valley of the shadow of death, because beyond the pass lies a field of flowers bathed in rainbow sunshine.

The Roman, the Christian and the Atheist!

We stumble at noon as in the twilight,

Among the vigorous as though we were dead.

We all growl like bears;

Like doves we moan mournfully.

We wait for justice, but there is none;

For salvation, but it is far from us.

For our transgressions before you are many,

And our sins testify against us.

........................Isaiah 59

Some very powerful imagery in the bible.

SPQR

I was a watching a documentary on Ancient Rome the other day; Did u know that the Ancient Romans had a senate as early as 67BC. In the early years of Rome, it's people were ruled by the……, who oppressed them. On doing away with them the Romans decided that they would never be ruled by a king again so they formed a senate of handful of represenatives of the people who were elected to office every year. Hence the motto "Senatos Populos Que Romanos (SPQR)" basically Senate and People of Rome. They also had a provision in their constitution for when they were at war, to elect a supreme dictator who had absolute power and held office for only 6 months. The first person to hold this title was a general …….. Who was called from his farm to fight a war with the Gauls, after the war was over, this guy gave up his power in 14 days and returned to his farm!

Tribulations

Sometimes to get to the good life, one must walk "The Path of Daggers". I think I'm walking that path now bse life is getting too tight, which of course is all my own doing but I could seriously do without one or two of dem daggers.

Victories
Started writing my short story this morning, and words just started flowing, then I realised some of the ideas popping into my head were themes from movies and books I had read, so now I have to think of a novel way of telling an old story. The words though are coming back…hopefully with some humor too.

Nostalgia
I am of this world,

Earth, Wind, Water and Fire

Of the beyond,

I have no desire

I am guilty of the sins of man

All shades of colour under the sun

Red blue and sometimes cyan

My fate is not beyond the clouds

Nor am I destined for hell's hounds

A flower of these gentle grounds

I must sway to life's sounds

I must climb the mountains

Sail the calm and the stormy seas

Walk through the dark forests

And dance on the flower filled leas

And when my dance is done

I must take my place in the mud

Forever under the sun

For I am of this world.

…..Raymond

Pressure Makes Diamonds!

Things have been tough, infact the last three weeks have been so bad that I started thinking I must have been like Ghengis Khan in a past life and this is retribution for all my past life indiscretions. But some cowboy with a moustache and a guitar once said that pressure makes diamonds so in light of that, and that is my only inspiration by the way, I'm pulling myself out of this pit.

Been reading "The Satanic Verses" and it has to go among that small list of books I have struggled to read. First of all it's not some diabolically inspired version of the bible. Nope it's a simple tale of human nature, divine intervention and other things. Don't read it unless you're sixty and have nothing else to do.

Guitar Lessons; the only thing saving my sanity. Learnt 6 chords so far...can play 2 songs fairly well...with a pause here and there. Want to play "You were meant for me" by Jewel and Baby Can I hold You by Tracy Chapman.

Still Reading "The End of Poverty" by Jeffrey Sachs...will fill u in.

Broken all my new year resolutions already but only twice...so I can end the year and have broken them only aout 4 times...that's not bad at all.

coming soon...my short story

make sure you watch...300.

Moving Forward

I don't know why I haven't posted in a long time....every time I open the browser to do so, I get stuck. There's stuff I want to say but I don't know how. Anyway my failings aside...last sunday was my birthday, enjoyed it immensely. My 25th birthday freaked me out bse I was getting older and had a long list of "things to do before you die"...Well I'm 26 now, the list is obviously a bit longer but for some reason this time I'm very optimistic.

Just finished reading Lords of Poverty by Graham Hancock and I have to say it's a sobering read. It's about the AID industry and how corrupt and sometimes, if not most, inhuman it is. It has made me look at AID agencies in a different light and I can't say it's a good one. I'm now reading Jeffrey Sach's "The End Of Poverty" I think it will restore some of my faith.

I may know the word, but not say it

Normally I make resolutions on my birthday or thereabouts, but this year, I decided to make some as the new year was walking in the front door and the old one quietly stealing out the back. Resolutions though are tricky things, they must be made with care and consideration because when you flounder (and you will), you risk feeling guilty, disappointed, feckless....among other things. Anyway with that in mind I chose to give up a few things and do others this year but picking ones that I'd enjoy if I faltered and those that I wouldn't miss i didn't get round to doing them.

1. No drinking alcohol this year

2. No eating meat ( happened to go for a barbecue last saturday) for the rest of the year.

3. Go mountain climbing

4. Run the MTN marathon

...and many more

Belated christmas post

Was supposed to post this last year, but seeing as I can do anything on my blog here I go

'It's christmas once again, it's amazing when you grow older how some of the things that meant so much just become... well ordinary. I used to love christmas, especially the christmas songs. I would grab a radio on the night before christmas and climb onto the top of the garage and then I would listen to Boney M until it was past midnight. The garage was flat topped so I would lay down a mat, stare at the sky and sing along to Silent Night. It was magical. Sometimes I would go for midnight mass. It's funny how we are always in a hurry to grow up and after having done so we nostalgically remember the days so fast gone by. I still love the christmas songs, my favorites being "winter wonderland, silent night and Let it snow."

So a very merry christmas to all and a happy new year. May all your wishes for the year come true.'

Peace And Love To All

A happy new year to everyone out there, and those of you in here, wherever that may be. It's been a while but just so u know I've been OK. So here's to wishing you all the best for this new year. Godspeed

The Masterpiece of Nature

"A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take my hand

My serotonin levels are low, which is just a fancy medical way of saying I'm unhappy. What makes me more unhappy is the fact that I'm trying to tell myself that I don't know why but I know that deep down I do.

I'm in a relationship and as all these things go, there has to be a fair amount of giving, receiving and sharing. I honestly don't mind the first two especially when I'm being given and I'm receiving but then the time comes to divulge things about yourself.....and that's where everything gets scary for me. I can honestly say that I've been pretty much emotionally independent since I was about 14 or thereabouts. So there are things about myself that I don't tell other people easily, some people know some of these things but they know well enough to never attempt to clarify this info with me. Basically I don't open up easily. This ofcourse is a problem when you're seeing someone, and frankly I don't know how to deal with it bse I know that subconciously I will attempt to avoid the whole thing; but I want to go beyond this time.

The real reason I'm in distress (I think) is because I need some sort of spiritual nourishment (for want of a better word). Of course it doesn't mean I want to sprint to church screaming hallelujah, it simply means that I need to experience the better side of humanity; like a genuine act of kindness, the piety and innocence of the child or the amazing bonds of a brotherhood.

So I wait, in this darkness, tired of my own voice answering my questions. I pray that when you give me your hand, I will not push it away.

Flowers gathered in the morning; Afternoon they blossom on, Still are withered by the evening: You can be me when I'm gone.

I have always been fascinated with words. I can't say exactly when it all started but I know that one day, I picked up a book, started reading and found a world of magic, of kings and queens, giants and dwarves, absent friends and lost loves, old gods and the season of mists. I have read words that were mysterious and like that brief glimpse of a hooded rider while staring out the window, I have looked into the heart of the writer, but only for a moment. I have wandered the soft places, the sunny plains of middle earth, run down twisting tunnels on distant worlds and even glanced at the lost kingdom of Atlantis. Words, for ever to captivate me.

So it came to pass that I chanced across the volumes of "The Sandman". It is at this point that I must shed a tear for those of you who will never discover or understand what the imagination is capable of. What it means to dream, even if it be a little dream. For some the gift was never given, for others the wisdom to comprehend denied, but for you, the fear of old gods long since devoid of power cages you. I am truly sorry.

For those who will never know, I will hazard a brief story but alas it is only a trinket of the treasures that lie awaiting in the world of dreams, the realm of the prince of stories, the land of "The Sandman".

They tell a story of Dream of the endless, who is the king of the dreaming, the place you go every time you leave the waking world. Dream has been imprisoned for almost eighty years and he returns to his realm to find that things have gone amiss. He must restore order in his kingdom, but to do so he needs his tools of power; a pouch of golden sand, a mask and a ruby. The sand was last in the possesion of a mortal, John Constantine. To retrieve the mask he must journey to hell and challenge a duke of the eighth circle, as for the ruby, well like I said, it is a brief story that I dare to relay, for there is no better way to know the story than from the prince of stories himself. So maybe one day I will tell you a story of myself, of my unknowing contest with a god and the wisdom gained, if it may be called that. Goodnight to you and the sweetest of dreams.

To absent friends, lost loves, old gods and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due.

I happened to read my horoscope(wonder why they call it that) last week and it encouraged me to pen something. Apparently I was in a very creative state because some planet was moving into the sphere of influence of some other planet.So I toyed with the idea of a love letter, hate mail, short story, resignation letter until the impracticality of most of them led me here; to write this garbage for you to read. And here goes nothing...

1. I don't think I love you anymore!
E decided to send me this txt message the other night. I read it and felt the world fall away from under my feet. Drifting in the vast nothingness I tried to see how it had come to this. "So soon" I thought, "how?" and a myriad of other questions all in an attempt to figure out when I had fallen from grace. On the verge of resigning myself to a life less of love, my phone beeped again and she was saying "It's something a lot more stronger than love...."

2. I cried for you.
Recently I came across a song by a one Katie Melua called "I cried for you". It is a beautiful song! It instantly made it onto my playlist entitled "sombse:some of my best songs ever" And it goes

"You're beautiful so silently
It lies beneath a shade of blue
It struck me so violently
When I looked at you

But others pass, they never pause,
To feel that magic in your hand
To me you're like a wild rose
They never understand why

I cried for you
When the sky cried for you
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter
But this life was not for you
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

I'll cross the sea for a different world,
With your treasure, a secret for me to hold

In many years they may forget
This love of ours or that we met,
They may not know
how much you meant to me.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

Without you now I see,
How fragile the world can be
And I know you've gone away
But in my heart you'll always stay.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper
That beauty need only be a whisper"

3. The Dead Man's Chest.
I watched Pirates of the Carribean on sunday. It's brilliant. I have to watch it again!


4. The Season of Mists
I found this incredibly good series of comic books called the sandman. It's about the king of the dreamworld and lots of other stuff, but it is good. There was a part where he was going to hell to set some woman free, whom he had incidentally condemed there about 10000 years before. So he goes to his friend "the wandering jew" and they have a toast that goes as follows
"To absent friends, lost loves, old gods and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due."

Bloody brilliant.

Parenting myself...

Teenage rebellion is normal, it happens to all people except those weird few who for some strange reason can't fathom the thrill in occasionally going against authority and embarking on a journey of self discovery. It is my opinion that these same people suffer from mid life crises when they get there. The "who am I?, I'm not happy with whatI'm doing...blah blah"

As a teenager I did my share of rebellion, but this was quickly cut short by my all so "wise" relatives. Anyway to put it briefly, because I cannot go into details, I found that I had to raise myself from an early age. Ofcourse I had people who were there for my physical needs but the needs of the mind were totally left to me. My report card was my own responsibility, I made my choices as to what to study, who to associate with, what to do in my free time etc. It is an amazing thing that when you have parents who pressure you to do things in a certain way, to be the best you can be, to be morally upright, you rebel as much as you possibly can; but given the choice by fate to do this completely on your own, you will yearn for one reproachful look, a grounding or any kind of parental intervention in your life.

If someone asked me the things that influenced me in the choices I've made so far I would say, the memory of some long since departed people, a number of poets and authors, an uncle or two but mostly my belief in the amazing ability of the human being's kindness, for without it I would probably not be blogging this.

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The way the world works!

Life is unfair, actually it's probably more unfair than you realise. As a child, I was lucky enough to be exposed to a wide range of literary materials. The stories that always fascinated me were the ones that involved the knights of the realm upholding truth and justice, fighting against evil dragons and rescuing damsels in distress. I was swept away by those stories and that would probably go some way in explaining my fascination with JRR Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, Superman, The Xmen, Drizzt D'Urden and tons of other heroes standing up to defend those who could not stand up for themselves. I spent hours day-dreaming that I was one of those knights in the stories rescuing some distressed dame. Consequently I had a very defined view of the world, there was good and there was bad (and occasionaly ugly). I was for good and God help those who stood on the other side. Inevitably, as is wont to happen, the years piled and I sprouted a few hairs here and there and as the knight in me looked at the world, lines begun to blur, the dragon wasn't necessary evil after all. Maybe he was just in need of a pat on the back and a "you're not all alone" kind of talk. Back in my younger days, I could have wanted nothing more than to champion the cause of the opressed, nowadays it's survival of the fittest. Recently I was with my uncle, a very nice man by any standards, a trained MD who shunned the big bucks of private practice to work in public health and help those much worse off. Anyway he was driving along in this big 4 wheel drive car and this guy in a much smaller car was trying to get into some space infront of him, but he (my uncle) would not yield and as he edged the guy out he said "Me big car, you small car. That's the way the world works"

Still some things never die easy and few things are harder to kill than ideals cherished and nurtured in childhood, so I remain a knight at heart. And so I say " Be every bit the knight you can be"

A good morning

Some days, you wake up on the right side of the bed and others I guess it's well, the left side of it. Today I woke up in the middle I guess. ( references to sides of the bed are not metaphorical but the actual reference to directional orientation of my body in relation to my bed upon waking up) In any case it's not important what side i woke up on but rather who woke me up. There I was, at the battle of pelennor fields with king Theoden and the Rohirrim (Lord of the Rings) when suddenly I was whisked away to the real world only to think I was in a dream again for it was her (E, the girl I'm in love with) that woke me. All the previous words serve no other purpose than to tell you that I had a splendid morning. If you didn't have one, be consoled by the fact that I did.

Dreaming my dreams......with you!

I used to be a dreamer, especially in matters of the heart. I don't know whether I still am. You know, you get your heart broken and then all that "happily ever after" stuff sounds like well just like it should, a fairy tale. My first crush was in my primary 7, there was this girl called J and one day I found myself thinking about her. My main fantasy was about kissing her but of course I couldn't do anything about it. It was primary, girls were to say the least mysterious and any advances by me would have gotten me in the hottest of soups ever. Incidentally it all remianed just that, a fantasy, but I remember the feeling! It was exhilarating! Two years later I was back at it, this time it was this girl I had known since I was about 9. They were letters involved and I got as far as a hug (ooooh!). But that too was put in my closet of crushes when she moved overseas, for good! We wrote each other some brilliant letters but as they say "out of mind....."
Then came the crush that crushed the dreamer in me. A case of unrequited love. It was in a word, heartbreaking. I used to believe that love could overcome it all, but I guess there was one big obstacle it couldn't. I will tell no more about that one.

So here I am today, much less of a dreamer than I was but in love once more. So am I still having dreams of forever, a little bit, but they are tempered by the reality of life. Not all dreams come true, but you can alyways hope and work toward them. But the worst thing about that dream crushing crush was that it made cautious in love. Not fully giving of myself. So how to overcome that? Because I must do it.

So little to do , so much time!

This saturday's proving to be too lousy, no soccer = nothing else to do. So here I am blogging. It's been a while since I blogged, England's exit from the world cup was a bit of a heartbreak and I couldn't find a satisying explanation or scapegoat for that matter. But like in all love affairs, life's got to go on, you either fix the problem and move on or u break up with some unsavory parting shots. I went for the fomer, I don't give up on relationships easily, Actually it's a taboo to support one club today and in a month's time you have shifted goal posts. Soccer promiscuity is a no no. You get one club and one country for life. Most men are more faithful to their football teams than to their spouses or girlfiends. For example, I wouldn't be caught dead donning an Arsenal shirt...but you could find me in the comapny of another girl other than my beloved.

The new superman movie is out, I have to go and watch it soon, maybe tomorrow. The reviews are good so far but I'm not one to pay attention to them when it involves Kal El (his kryptonian name).

A big sorry to someone for ignoring them sometime, I had to do it.

Now, what to do....what to do....